- Jon Stewart: I have to say it is an honor to be here with Carl Reiner, a legend who can look back to a lifetime bringing people laughter as opposed to Larry, who is just old. But they say Larry is self-centered and I don't think so, honestly, because if Larry could blow himself, he wouldn't need Hank, I guess.
- Hank Kingsley: Hey, why don't you speak up, only the people at your table know you are an asshole.
- Jon Stewart: Oh my... Hank it's that a heckler's rethoric?
- Hank Kingsley: Leave me alone, I don't come to your job and knock the dick out of your ass.
- Jon Stewart: Hank, are you on something?
- Hank Kingsley: A little bit.
- Norman Litkey: Look at this, Hank's gonna ruin Larry's night.
- Stevie Grant: It'll turn out fine once Larry sees who the surprise guest is.
- Norman Litkey: Is he backstage?
- Stevie Grant: Yes.
- Norman Litkey: I'm wetting myself.
- Al Franken: Gee, what an honor to be here roasting Larry, it's a great cause. Earlier this year, I did the White House Correspondents Dinner and after the dinner the president came up to me, and we're kind of friends and he said that... he asked me who I thought might be good for next year's dinner and said that you know... Larry. I recommended Larry and he said "Gee, I don't know...". I know exactly what the president said. He said: "Larry Sanders doing his act for half an hour, I'd rather have Al Gore fuck me in the ass".
- Norm Crosby: [on Larry] He knows, for example, the similarity in between eggs benedict and oral sex. You just never seen to be able to get them at home.
- Bruno Kirby: What the fuck am I doing here? I'm an actor. We do two different things. Comedians jerk off, I work.
- Hank Kingsley: You can blow me like everyone else on table... at your table.
- Phil: Are you on something?
- Hank Kingsley: A little bit.
- [first lines]
- Norman Litkey: Hey Artie!
- Arthur: Norman. How goes it, buddy?
- Norman Litkey: Fine.
- Arthur: I thought I smelled a publicity man on the premises.
- Hank Kingsley: Shut up and leave me alone, Phil. I'll come when I'm goddamn ready!
- Phil: Larry is waiting.
- Norman Litkey: Look Dana, you're Larry's best friend and you can go on third.
- Dana Carvey: You mean after his other best friend, Jeffrey Dahmer?
- Norman Litkey: Jeffrey Dahmer is dead! He's unavailable.
- Dana Carvey: I know. That's the joke. What are you in, PR? Helloooo!
- Phil: I thought Carl Reiner was hosting Larry's roast.
- Hank Kingsley: No, that's not confirmed. But if I can prove to Artie that I can handle hecklers, he'll let me be the roast master.
- Phil: Here's the deal: someone says something to you, all you gotta do is to come back with a dick-related insult, that's it.
- Hank Kingsley: Give me an example.
- Phil: Guy says something and you say: "Oh, looks like so-and-so got his dick out of his mouth loud enough to speak up".
- Hank Kingsley: [laughs] By so-and-so you mean the person heckling?
- Phil: Yes.
- Hank Kingsley: I better write this down. Oh what if the uh the heckler is a woman?
- Phil: Same thing, you talk about her dick. Makes them crazy.
- Arthur: Hank, we gotta bump you, buddy.
- Hank Kingsley: Oh why?
- Arthur: It's going way over, you know. I'm sorry sweetie. That's the way it is.
- Hank Kingsley: No way, no way, I mean I had to sit through their bullshit.
- Arthur: Keep your voice down, will ya?
- Hank Kingsley: No, I won't. You can bump me, you can bump me from the show but you can't shut me up. Oh man, fuck, fuck you Artie. Just fuck you, man.
- Arthur: Fuck me? Fuck you! You better calm down right now or I'll take you down.
- Hank Kingsley: Oh big man, big man with the threat. What you're gonna do? Why don't you take a swing at me?
- Arthur: Hank, I'm not gonna do that.
- Hank Kingsley: C'mon, you pussy. What don't you do it? C'mon. C'mon, big man. Go ahead big man.
- Arthur: Don't you push me.
- Hank Kingsley: C'mon, c'mon...
- Arthur: Listen... listen to me right now. You behave yourself or I'm gonna snap your neck like a butterbee.
- Hank Kingsley: Oh don't hurt me.
- [Arthur grabs Hank by his neck in front of the crowd]
- Carl Reiner: That's Hank... Hank and Artie doing their mating dance.