David Letterman: Self - Host

Quotes 

• David Letterman : Let's talk about the Academy Awards. Because I know for a fact, a couple weeks ago, I'm on an airplane, and I see this movie, uh, "Rob Roy" with Liam Neeson. I said to myself, and my seat mates, and the flight attendants, I said, "Well, there's your winner right there." Liam Neeson, "Rob Roy".

  Gene Siskel : The hero of an action picture never gets nominated. Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis. The villain will get nominated, and he was: Tim Roth was nominated. He did a great job.

  David Letterman : Yeah, he did a great job. But...

  Gene Siskel : The straight guy never gets nominated.

  David Letterman : Liam Neeson did a great job...

  Roger Ebert : Liam Neeson was terrific, and Jessica Lange as his wife. Wasn't she good?

  David Letterman : Excellent. And didn't you think that was a good movie?

  Gene Siskel : Very good movie.

  Roger Ebert : I loved it.

  David Letterman : And so it was just completely, so now, as I...

  Gene Siskel : Best sword fight in motion picture history. Don't you agree?

  David Letterman : It's a captivating story. And it's, and I'm telling you, it just got you on the edge of your seat. And so, because that wasn't nominated, I know the whole thing is hooey. I know the whole damn thing is HOOEY!

  Gene Siskel : I'll tell you how "hooey" it is...

  Roger Ebert : Took you a long time to catch on, huh?

  David Letterman : Well, because I thought I had this one nailed. I said to myself, "There's an Academy Award winning performance if I've ever seen one."

  Gene Siskel : Here's some more hooey: "Dead Man Walking" and "Leaving Las Vegas", two superb American films, neither one nominated as Best Picture.

  [audience cheers] 

  Gene Siskel : The actors were nominated, but that's the Actor's branch, which only accounts for a quarter of the membership. Three quarters of the people, I don't think saw the pictures.

  David Letterman : Well what's the deal with these people who vote? What's the deal with these people who vote?

  Roger Ebert : They are scared to death right now, because it's an election year, and everybody in all the primaries have been attacking Hollywood for sex and violence, and so what can you do? You nominate a cute little pig and an actor who died in order to make his sweet little film. What could be nicer than that?

  David Letterman : Well you know who's gonna win? That Sharon Stone.

  Gene Siskel : No she won't.

  David Letterman : She will, she will.

  Gene Siskel : She will not-

  [shakes Dave's hand] 

  Gene Siskel : You don't pay off your bets.

  David Letterman : I'll tell you what...

  Gene Siskel : It will be...

  David Letterman : Oh, now don't say that to me.

  Gene Siskel : It will be Susan Sarandon. Susan Sarandon will win, will win. I guarantee it.

  [audience cheers] 

  David Letterman : She was great in that film.

  Gene Siskel : This is her fifth nomination, the timing is right, she will win.

  David Letterman : But, here's, Hollywood, these people in

  [makes air quotes] 

  David Letterman : Hollywood, every now and then, it's all cyclical, they like to reward the "bad girl". The bad girl has come home...

  Gene Siskel : Dave...

  David Letterman : The woman who exposed herself...

  Roger Ebert : Then Elisabeth Shue could win, in that case.

  David Letterman : No, because she doesn't have the history of being the bad girl as Sharon Stone.

  Roger Ebert : She hasn't been bad as long.

  David Letterman : Exactly.

  Gene Siskel : Dave, would it be wrong of me to question your knowledge of the Oscars?

  David Letterman : I know all I need to know, believe me. These things stink. Let's go...

  Gene Siskel : You should host sometime. You'd make a great host. You would be great, you're a natural- you're the quickest wit in America. You host sometime, you'd be fabulous.

• David Letterman : What about the Academy snubbing Barbra Streisand again this year?

  Gene Siskel : She didn't make a picture, Dave.

  David Letterman : Didn't make a film, that's not the point. She was still snubbed!

  Gene Siskel : More hooey.

• Gene Siskel : Want a film to rent, Dave? You're a connoisseur of great American movies. "The Falcon and the Snowman", with Sean Penn.

  David Letterman : Oh, I've seen it. I saw it when it was first released.

  Gene Siskel : Excellent.

  David Letterman : Oh, I didn't know if it was that good.

  [audience laughter as Gene smirks] 

• David Letterman : You know the drill: I've written down my prediction for the combined weight and then you guys can hop on the scale...

  Gene Siskel : Can we predict as well?

  David Letterman : Yeah, you can predict, sure. Anything you want...

  Roger Ebert : You go right ahead, Gene.

  David Letterman : [interrupting]  Now let's hold- wait wait wait wait!

  Roger Ebert : [to Gene]  You're the man.

  David Letterman : Hey hey! Hey, good. You the man. No, YOU the man!

  Roger Ebert : You the man.

  David Letterman : How can he possibly be the man, when you're the man?

  Roger Ebert : [regarding Gene]  We KNOW that he's not the man.

  [audience laughter/oohs]