- Eddie Haskell: Hey, I hear they've got you in solitary confinement. What'd you do, spill jam on your bib again?
- Theodore Cleaver: No, I stayed out late, so I'm not allowed out on school nights.
- Eddie Haskell: Hey, that's rough. If that ever happened to me, eight or nine girls would kill themselves.
- Wally Cleaver: You know what you have, Beav? You have a persecution complex.
- Theodore Cleaver: I do not. It's just that everybody's all the time pickin' on me.
- June Cleaver: What's the matter with that boy? He's been rushing away from the table and not acting himself all week.
- Wally Cleaver: Maybe he's got a girl.
- Ward Cleaver: What makes you think so, Wally?
- Wally Cleaver: Well, when a guy starts actin' weird, a girl is the first thing you look for.
- Eddie Haskell: [Dictating a letter to Beaver] Dear Ella, while all the other kids have their freedom, my parents keep me locked up in my room.
- Theodore Cleaver: Eddie!
- Eddie Haskell: I don't mind the big bolt on the door or the barbed wire on the window.
- Theodore Cleaver: Eddie, you can't send in stuff like this!
- Eddie Haskell: Why not? You gotta come on strong if you want any action!