- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [as he is being pulled from a bombed latrine, a dazed Father Mulcahy recounts a childhood memory] Sis and I picked these apples from under the tree. I remember, I said "You can't make a pie out of crabapples!" And she said, "I learned how in the girl scouts."
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He'll be alright. He's just a little dazed.
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: She used brown sugar, and the crust was just so crispy and nice. Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Get him back to his tent, let him rest.
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: Mommy came into the kitchen and said "What the hell is going on in here?"
- Lt./Capt. Father Francis J. Mulcahy: [thinking that the dress-wearing Cpl. Klinger is his mother] I remember Mommy. You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear!
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Everybody thinks I'm so hard and tough and here I am crying like a baby! Do you mind?
- Captain John McIntyre: No, it's the first soft water that's touched my body in a year.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: I'm going to lay down now because I'm very tired, and there better not be any hanky-panky.
- Captain John McIntyre: I don't even have a hankie, and my pankie is in my other suit.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [trapped, crying in McIntyre's arms] I'm so embarrassed.
- Captain John McIntyre: Why?
- Major Margaret Houlihan: I outrank you!