- Frank Burns: Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?
- Hawkeye: *Swill* gin?' Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have *never* swilled!
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
- Henry Blake: Yes, Sir.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Give him a high colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: With full pack.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Good touch.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Pierce, you're in very deep trouble.
- Hawkeye: I don't think so, I can beat a pair of twos.
- Henry Blake: [Col. Blake has just appointed Hawkeye as chief surgeon] Hawkeye, don't let me down.
- Hawkeye: [wearing his underwear and bathrobe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Nurse, is everybody around here crazy?
- Lt. Ginger Bayliss: Everybody who's sane is, sir.
- Henry Blake: The job will be a killer.
- Frank Burns: I can adjust.
- Henry Blake: I hope you can. I'm giving it to Pierce.
- Hawkeye: Oh, thanks.
- Frank Burns: *What*? You can't! I won't stand for it!
- Henry Blake: Frank, the one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.
- Frank Burns: Well, what about rank?
- Hawkeye: Can I help it if I'm not as rank as you?
- Frank Burns: This is unheard of!
- Henry Blake: Face it, Pierce is the best cutter in the outfit. He's certified in chest and general surgery. Frank, in case you haven't read the papers, there's a war on. We're here to patch guys together. We can't be so GI we lose patients!
- Frank Burns: Are you implying that he's a better doctor?
- Henry Blake: Yes, when the heat's on!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Halt!
- Henry Blake: Klinger!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Who goes there?
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: The man's naked!
- Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger, put on a dress or something.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: At least a slip!
- Hawkeye: Threes and nines are wild. If you want, you can buy a new card on an open four.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Except February, which has 28.
- [Klinger's first appearance on "M*A*S*H"]
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [on guard duty] Halt! Friend or foe?
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: I'm General Barker!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: How do I know you're not one of *them* with a clever makeup job?
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Corporal Klinger, isn't it?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [smiles] Right!
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: [notes Klinger's dress] Still trying to get out on a psycho, eh, Klinger? I can tell you, it'll take a lot more than this.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary!
- [Klinger skips off, like a little girl]
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Only on duty, sir.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: [to Major Margaret Houlihan] Be with you as soon as I can.
- [Barker then sees Frank Burns sneaking out of Margaret's tent. The two lock eyes]
- Frank Burns: [nervously] Bet this looks funny.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Bet it doesn't.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: This place is a madhouse, Henry! A nut farm!
- Henry Blake: Gee whiz, that's a bit strong, sir.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: Do you realize you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt?
- Henry Blake: Luckily he's got the legs for it.
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: [General Barker comes into Henry's office, where Radar sits at the desk drinking brandy and smoking a cigar] Corporal, what are you doing?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Doing, Sir?
- Gen. Wilson Spaulding Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I'm listening to you spell "doing," Sir.
- Henry Blake: Burns says the operating room is becoming impossible.
- Hawkeye: He's right, I agree. All that blood and everything, and those sick people - it's terrible.
- Hawkeye: Whatever it is, Henry, it better be good.
- Frank Burns: He's out of uniform, as usual.
- Hawkeye: I tried sleeping in my uniform, Frank, but my medals keep stabbing me.
- Henry Blake: [after making Hawkeye Chief Surgeon] Hawkeye? Don't let me down.
- Hawkeye: [in his bath robe] Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?
- Henry Blake: The closest thing to a salute at this camp is the camp mutt scratching the fleas behind his ears.