- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: I was never very good with my hands.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I guess that's why you became a surgeon, huh sir?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Everything we say here concerns the war!
- Hawkeye: Fine. I make a motion that the war be ended.
- Trapper: I second the motion.
- Maj. Frank Burns: You can't end the war just like that!
- Trapper: Of course you can! There's a motion. Let's vote on it.
- Hawkeye: You've all heard the motion. Those in favor, raise your right hands.
- All: [Nearly everyone raises their hands] Aye!
- Hawkeye: Those opposed?
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Frank and Margaret raise their hands] Nay!
- Hawkeye: The ayes have it. Let it be recorded that the war was ended on this date at 9:32 PM. Okay, last man to the unemployment office is a rotten egg.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: [watching old home movies] That's Milt Jaffe, the gynecologist from next door.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Oh, that's handy. Everyone should have a gynecologist next door.
- Captain John McIntyre: I hate to ask what's on the other side.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Milt's very attractive wife comes up on screen] Ohh!
- Captain John McIntyre: Yeah! Hey, hey!
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Boy, that Sylvia Jaffe is loaded for bear.
- [Henry and Sylvia ham it up on screen with fake kiss and are caught by Milt. Laughs, Imitates Silent Movie Music]
- Captain John McIntyre: Understand you're in need of a medical man here.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: I see you couldn't find one.
- Hawkeye: Look darling, you wanna meet and talk about vein grafts and arterial surgery, or trauma or cardiac arrest, I'll be as serious as you want. But if we're here for the purpose of improving our military efficiency, I for one couldn't care less whether the border rocks are painted red, white or blue. Or whether we form a committee to study the question of camouflaging our latrines. Or to take Frank's suggestion of having lifeboat drills in case we're attacked by the Korean navy, which they don't even have one of.
- Hawkeye: [in letter to his dad] At the London Zoo every day at 4:00, they have what's known as the "Chimps' Tea Party." The MASH equivalent is our monthly staff meeting. The Pentagon says it's necessary, but the kind of meetings we have could prolong the war by at least two years.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We will now hear the minutes of the last meeting, Corporal.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh, I didn't take any. I was the only one here. Excuse me. We do have the minutes for the meeting before the last meeting's minutes.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Read them, Corporal.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Yes, ma'am.
- [Clears throat]
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: 'Minutes of the last monthly staff meeting, which was held six months ago. The motion was made that the officers of this unit hold a yearly reunion once a year after the war is over. The motion was defeated when it failed to receive even one vote. The meeting was soon declared a shambles right after Captain Mclntyre unscrewed Major Burns's clusters.'
- Hawkeye: Ah, those were the days.
- Condon: [a racist, who insisted his blood transfusion come from a white donor] What are you guys trying to do to me? Did you give me the wrong color blood or not?
- Trapper: All blood is the same.
- Hawkeye: You ever hear of Dr Charles Drew, soldier?
- Condon: Who's that?
- Hawkeye: Dr Drew invented the process for separating blood so it can be stored.
- Trapper: Plasma.
- Hawkeye: He died last April after a car accident in North Carolina.
- Trapper: He bled to death. The hospital wouldn't let him in.
- Hawkeye: It was for whites only.
- Nurse: Radar, everyone says you're a virgin. Is that true?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I really don't know.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [in letter to dad] We just heard General Eisenhower is going to run for president. What some people will do to get out of the Army.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar, will you call the roll, please?
- Trapper: Henry, are you kidding? We all know who's here.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Regulations require it.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Well, I can see that. I mean it could be that some of us aren't all here.
- Hawkeye: I move that we take the roll. And if somebody's not here, he's probably someplace else, in which case the record should show it. Unless of course the person making the record isn't here.
- Hawkeye: Wait, hold it, wait a minute. We didn't hear Frank's answer. We don't know if he's here.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Of course I'm here!
- Trapper: Regulations, Frank.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: Radar.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Here, sir.
- Lt. Colonel Henry Blake: No. Ask Frank over there if he's here.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, yes, sir. Major Frank Burns?
- Maj. Frank Burns: [tensely] Here.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Our biggest enemy is boredom. We don't know what to do with ourselves. I've taken to writing obscene prescriptions and throwing them into the nurses' tent.