M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Dear Peggy (1975)
Jamie Farr: Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger
Photos
Quotes
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't wanna be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors, the nurses. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best. Understand, son?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I'm trying.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Then get your butt in high gear and get back to work!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : That your last offer?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : You got it! Out!
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Yes, sir.
[Klinger exits, as Major Burns enters]
Maj. Frank Burns : Colonel, can I see you?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Do I have a choice?
Maj. Frank Burns : It's about Captain Pierce.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : He sew up your fly again?
Maj. Frank Burns : No, sir.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : He spit at you?
Maj. Frank Burns : He's stuffing a bunch of personnel into a jeep! Something about setting a world's record.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [Chuckles] He's a pistol. Burns, can't you see Pierce is just trying to boost morale?
Maj. Frank Burns : Well, my morale is fine. I love it here.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [Stares at Burns] Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I've got to figure out which one.
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Colonel Sherman T. Potter : [after Klinger is brought in by MP's dressed as a Korean peasant girl] What's the big idea, Klinger?
Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : [looks up] How'd you know?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter : Korean women are not noted for hairy knuckles!
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Know anything about dreams, Doc?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I only know I wish I were having one right now.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I had one last night. I was holding this paper that said, "Klinger is hereby declared nuts. Signed, Colonel Potter." I was saying good-bye to everybody. I even clipped the hair off my chest for Major Houlihan to keep in her watch. She kissed me right on the mouth. Next thing I know, I'm in San Francisco. Sprung! Free! There's this big parade. Four bands. People carrying a banner that says, "Klinger's Nuts!"
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Shh.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Then I'm in Toledo with my loved ones. And I own a delicatessen. Eight tables! Individual relish jars. You'll never guess who the waitress is. Major Houlihan. And she's still got my hair in her watch... pinned on a see-through blouse. What does that mean, Doc?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Well, it just might mean... that you wanna go home.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I knew it!
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : With Major Houlihan.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Yech!