M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Hanky Panky (1977)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
-
[a letter to Margaret has arrived opened]
Radar : Sometimes they come like that!
Margaret : And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages!
B.J. : Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for.
Hawkeye : It's not fair!
Radar : Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either!
-
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Hawk, you're looking at a guy that fell off the fidelity wagon.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I thought I heard a thump sometime last night.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : And I'm miserable. I'm a happily married man. Not like Frank Burns is happy because his wife owns real estate. I adore my wife and my kid and my marriage.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I know.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I don't like being unfaithful. I'm not lookin' around. I'm lucky to have what I've got.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You're right. You are lucky.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : God help me.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You're turning down the chance to be seen with the Porfirio Rubirosa of Ouijongbu.
Nurse Carrie Donovan : What a tongue twister.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, you've heard about me.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Simply take a vow. Raise your right hand. Come on. Come on.
[Hawkeye and B.J. raise their right hands]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : "I promise to be a good and faithful husband, to write nice, cheerful letters home, to think of Peg often, and to keep my fat hands off Nurse Donovan.
[B.J. chuckles]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Do you vow?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I vow.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I feel better about you already.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Thanks.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : My pleasure. There's probably a career for me in saving marriages. You know, I'm gonna take a vow too.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Good for you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I, Hawkeye Pierce, vow that, some day, I will take a vow just like his. Amen.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You were out awful late last night.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Lots to do in Post-Op.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You were gone when I woke up this morning.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Couldn't sleep.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : If I didn't know better, I'd say you were out all night.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Mm-hmm.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You could've called. Mother and I were worried sick.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Dad, shut up.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Ah, I hate to see them grow up.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : B.J., you stumbled last night. That's all. You were helping somebody, and it got out of hand. You made a mistake.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I sure did.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Hawkeye points at B.J.'s notepad] What's that?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I'm writing Peg about it.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [He grabs the letter, crumples it, and throws it in the stove] Wrong, wrong, wrong! Don't be an idiot. You made one lousy goof, and you wanna punish yourself, but don't punish her. Do not tell Peg. Don't tell anybody what you just told me. This will pass.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Like a kidney stone.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Tell me, who's the most devoted family man in the world?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Mickey Rooney.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Who gets an A in fidelity?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : RCA Victor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No, you, both times.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : So how come she turns down a date with Dr. Jekyll to go work in the lab with Mr. Hyde?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : She's helping me with some cases.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I could use a little of that kind of help myself.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Are you sure there's nothing going on between you two kids?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Honest.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : A little hanky panky after Taps?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Scout's honor.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Before?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : No!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : During?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I'm happily married.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, yeah? I thought that that was a contradiction in terms.
-
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Donovan, you look like a new woman. Not that there was anything wrong with the old one.
Nurse Carrie Donovan : Thanks. I feel better.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Well, why shouldn't we all feel good? Our work is so rewarding. Always lending a helping hand. Doing unto others.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Hawk, your mouth runneth over.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I'm just teasing. I mean, do I know what I'm saying? Whatever it is, I don't mean it. Should I go?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Just stop talking.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I will as soon as I get my foot out of my mouth. I think I'll put it someplace else.
[He rises to leave]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Ah, I'm being paged at the pool. Well, you two carry on.
[laughs]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Strike that. This is me leaving. Here I go. Bye. So long.
-
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : I'm worried about Donald. He works so hard.
Maj. Frank Burns : Maybe he strained himself thinking.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Don't you wish. He has a mind like a steel trap.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That could be dangerous. If he gets an idea, he'll snap his neck and swallow his face.