M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Hepatitis (1977)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : Believe me Radar, someday you're going to meet a girl that you're going to want to introduce to your mom. And instead of taking advantage of her, you'll give her something you've been saving all you're life: yourself. And believe me you won't get sleepy. You know what I mean?

  Radar : [weepy]  Yeah, thanks.

  Hawkeye : I know this sounds like the wrong time, but would you mind dropping your pants?

• Hawkeye : [trying to take a blood sample from a violent Klinger]  Look, in a physical examination, *I'm* the one who's supposed to get physical! Not you!

• Hawkeye : [Hawkeye's back is hurting]  I already x-rayed it. There's nothing there.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Nothing? No spine? Nothing?

• Hawkeye : [Margaret is letting Hawkeye give her a shot in the behind]  Oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts.

  Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : If you say one word!

  Hawkeye : I wouldn't. Not a word. But if I did, that word would be *magnificent*. Would that be bad?

• Hawkeye : [Klinger threw a bowl of oranges, just missing Hawkeye who is hunched over]  Fortunately for me, I'm in a permanent duck!

• Radar : Well, sometimes the guys and I go over to Rosie's Bar. We really have a good time. We're laughing and joking. Talking about what we're going to do when the wars over. Then some of guys start talking to some of the business girls. And well, I feel sort of funny.

  Hawkeye : What do you mean?

  Radar : I feel sleepy.

  Hawkeye : You think there's something wrong with you?

  Radar : Is there?

  Hawkeye : Radar, you're suffering from a normal case of decency.

• Radar : Want to read Major Burns' Popular Mechanics? Sometimes the ads go pretty far.

  Hawkeye : [sulking about not getting nudist magazines in the mail]  Radar, a picture of a three-way toilet valve does not go "pretty far".

• Hawkeye : Relax, Frank. I just want to see your body.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Oh, don't be such a rude Rodney.

  Hawkeye : Frank, there's hepatitis going around.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Hepatitis!

  Hawkeye : Yeah, let me see your eyes.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Are they yellow? How's my liver? Is it tender?

  Hawkeye : How should I know? It's your liver?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Well, feel it!

  [he sprawls back on his cot] 

  Hawkeye : [probing Franks abdomen]  How's that feel?

  Maj. Frank Burns : [giggles childishly]  Tickles!

  Hawkeye : Frank, try to control yourself.

• Maj. Frank Burns : [sits up]  Well, something's wrong with me.

  Hawkeye : Yeah? Ever since Margaret got engaged?

  Maj. Frank Burns : No! Since I've been getting shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Feel my chest.

  Hawkeye : Not tonight, darling. I have a headache.

  Maj. Frank Burns : I have a lump here under the sternum and that's not supposed to be there. Is it?

  Hawkeye : [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm]  Frank, go like this.

  [opens and closes his fist] 

  Maj. Frank Burns : Feels like a marble. Not like an aggie. More like an immie.

  Hawkeye : Look, I haven't got time to feel your chest for marbles. Just let me get some blood, I'll give you a shot in the behind and I'll get out of here!

• Maj. Frank Burns : You call yourself a doctor!

  Hawkeye : [preparing to give Frank a shot]  Frank, will you for cripes' sake, drop your driveling, your hypochondria, and your pants in that order!

• Hawkeye : You know what your trouble is?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Yes, I'm dying.

  Hawkeye : That's not your trouble.

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : Right. My trouble is I'm not dying fast enough.

• Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Sir?

  Hawkeye : Uh-huh?

  Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : If you find out I got hepatitis, I'm gonna kiss Zale right on the mouth.

  Hawkeye : I'm very happy for you.

• Maj. Frank Burns : Look, while you're here, will you check my arms? I think my arms are getting longer.

  Hawkeye : Take two bananas and call me in the morning.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Feel under my armpit.

  Hawkeye : Not for five bucks!

• Maj. Frank Burns : [Hawkeye just gave Frank a shot in the behind]  Feels like you left a rock in there!

  Hawkeye : Maybe one slipped down from your head.

  Maj. Frank Burns : You broke off a needle in me, didn't you?

  Hawkeye : Frank, these few lovely moments with you have contributed more to the pain in my back than my army cot, and that's going some.

  Maj. Frank Burns : If you care anything for human life, you'll feel my lumps before you go.

  Hawkeye : Leave 'em under my pillow. I'll give 'em a squeeze before I go to sleep.

• Hawkeye : [Radar has shared his wonder of blood tests]  I'm all a tingle myself.

• Hawkeye : [Reading from his hometown newspaper]  "Dr. Vernon Parsons has been awarded a $100,000 grant at Boston Hospital for a two-year study of infectious disease in mice." They oughta give him the disease and split the dough with the mice.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : What's the matter with you? You're all bent over.

  Hawkeye : Who told you?

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : You're turning into a question mark.

  Hawkeye : And the question is, how I got this way.

• Hawkeye : Did I ever tell you, you look cute with your shirt off?

  Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : No.

  Hawkeye : I think I know why.

• Hawkeye : I can walk.