- [during a debate about whether or not to go aid wounded Chinese soldiers]
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: When are you going to learn about Chinese treachery? Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: I'd like to see my wife again.
- Hawkeye: I'd like to see anybody's wife again.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, yes. Well, I'm afraid this is what you call your command decision. It's "lonely at the top" time. Strictly something for your leader.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Long pause] Well, Henry?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, golly. Whatever you people decide is fine with me.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Now, listen, hotshot. I'm a pretty fair doctor myself. Ask any of my patients.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We can't dig people up just for that.
- Hawkeye: [at Rainbow Bridge after how Frank says how the "R-E-D" can't speak fluent English] The R-E-D speaks better English than Y-O-U do.
- Dr. Lin Tam: [laughing at the Baby Browning Margaret loaned to Frank] What the hell is that?
- Hawkeye: It came from a box of Cracker Jacks. It's also a whistle.
- [last lines]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [to Hawkeye and Trapper] Boy, I don't mind telling you now, boy I was really scared on that bridge. I hear if they take you prisoner, they hit you in places that are better left un-hit. Oh, you guys were really great with those casualties, though. You know, I was thinking I'd like to be a doctor when I get back to the real world. But I don't like being around sick people that much, so I guess that would be a drawback. I'm, uh, packing your pajamas. Maybe I shouldn't even bother, huh? You guys are really something. I don't know how you do it. I mean, 16 hours of surgery, 36 hours before that, a trip to the bridge and back, and now you're going to Tokyo. Well if you ask me, you guys are like Supermen. You're all set.
- [Radar turns around to see Hawkeye and Trapper have fallen asleep in exhaustion. He puts them to bed]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Whispering] Good night, Supermen.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel Blake. Major Burns is here to volunteer for this extremely dangerous and patriotic mission.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Is that right, Frank?
- Maj. Frank Burns: You heard me.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: [Frank reaches for his gun] Come on, let's have it.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Have what?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Give it to them, Frank, before they give us a .32-caliber enema.
- Maj. Frank Burns: It's a good thing I brought a piece.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Piece of what, Frank?
- Maj. Frank Burns: A gun, ya jerk.
- [They stop walking suddenly]
- Maj. Frank Burns: I got it stuck in my belt.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Frank, if they find that gun on you, they're gonna play Mah-Jongg with our teeth later.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Frank, are you out of what's left of your mind?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Now, if they start anything, I'll take out the officer and you disarm the ones with the guns.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Nervous chuckle] Bite your Mao Tse-tung.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Sign here, Colonel.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, I spent the entire morning signing my name. Why didn't you have me sign this while I was signing all those other things I was signing my name to, which I didn't know why I was signing them either?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Signing.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Frank would volunteer for a firing squad. Or to be in front of it.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Or both.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, I protest this attack on Major Burns' character in his absence.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Actually, we're attacking his absence of character.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: I hate to interfere with your rest and relaxation,
- [Chuckles]
- Father Francis Mulcahy: but I do have a short shopping list from some of the gang. And of course the filthy lucre to pay for same.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: What do we got here?
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, the usual... cameras, lenses, watches.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: [Trapper looks at the list] A training bra?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Can't be for anybody we know.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Klinger. Understandably, there's some gaps in my education. What exactly is a training bra?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: It's just like an ordinary one, only it has two little wheels in back.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [about a patient in O.R] You can do this, Major.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I'm not sterile.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Congratulations.
- Dr. Lin Tam: You have violated the agreed conditions. Your wounded will remain with us.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Doctor, hold it!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Wait a minute! Look, you're doing something decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men just because some idiot wants to do his General Custer impersonation.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [after Klinger gives Hawkeye a manicure] Very nice. You really do a good job, Klinger.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Well, I'm not just another pretty face.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, I'll need a driver and a corpsman.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Volunteers, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Thank you, Radar. I knew I could count on you.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [Moments later] Uh, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yo.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, excuse me, but I think you volunteered me a little quick there.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You speak very good English, Doctor.
- Dr. Lin Tam: University of Illinois.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: No kidding? Our commanding officer went to Illinois.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well there's no need for us to get friendly here.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Uh, Henry Blake. Uh, about 6'3", narrow shoulders, big hips, sort of shaped like a pear?
- Maj. Frank Burns: I remind you, Captain Pierce, army standard triage procedure is as follows: American wounded first, allies second, enemy last. Repeat, last.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Frank, that man is bleeding more than anybody in here, with the possible exception of your nose if you don't get out of my way.
- Maj. Frank Burns: But, uh, what about the danger? I've got to be honest... I'm afraid of death.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Nobody's crazy about it, Frank. But sometimes it's necessary.
- Maj. Frank Burns: There is another consideration: I'm a married man.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [Glaring] No kidding? I'd forgotten. You haven't mentioned her for three or four hours.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well, talking about my wife is really hitting me below the belt at a time like this.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Ah. Three days without shaking hands with somebody's gall bladder. For your divine help in granting us this sabbatical, we give thanks, O Lord.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [Father Mulcahy walks in] You rang?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I didn't know He made house calls.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You have very strong hands, sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, thank you, Klinger. My father gave them to me for graduation. He had to. Mom gave me a pen and pencil set.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: This man's got a chest wound. He ought to be in O.R. right now.
- Maj. Frank Burns: He happens to be Chinese.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Then we'll operate with chopsticks.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I don't know. Going up there without any protection might just be asking for it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We know the Chinese are more decent with our wounded than the North Koreans.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah, they know we give their wounded a break.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I think it's a real offer.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah, but if it's not, if you guys get killed. I'll never hear the end of it.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Corporal Klinger, volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Really, Klinger?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Terrific.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: What the hell. Maybe I can get out for bravery. I'm sure not making it for nutsery.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I'm a married man, honey. I only go out with girls that don't know that.