M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The Colonel's Horse (1976)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Captain B.J. Hunnicut : [B.J. is calling his father-in-law in Oklahoma for help to treat Col. Potter's sick horse] Pa! Hi, it's B.J.!... No. No, I'm not at the bus station, I'm still in Korea... No, we're not still fighting the Germans, Pa, that was your war... Huh? Yeah, I get a letter from Peg every day.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Come on, come on.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : The horse.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Wha - Oh, look, Pa, I can't hang on too long, we need your help.
[to Radar]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Give me a pencil and paper.
[to Floyd]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : We got a sick horse here. Yeah, a mare. She's down. Just a minute.
[to Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : What's her heart rate?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Fifty.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Fifty. Uh-huh.
[to Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Too fast.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Well, look, uh...
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Could it be emotional?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Could be. Colonel Potter hasn't taken her out for a week.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Hold on a minute, Floyd.
[to Hawkeye]
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Any growling in her stomach?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Silencio.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Not a sound. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh! Okay. Right. All right, thanks Pa. Listen, you take care of yourself now. Yeah, I miss you too. Oh, do me a favor, will you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : There's more.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Call Peg and tell her everything's fine. Except the horse. Right. Thanks
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : What?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : What? What? What?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Too much dry grass and not enough water. She's got colic.
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Oh, that's serious!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Floyd says it can kill her.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Colic?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Intestines are blocked. We gotta keep her on her feet so they won't twist. And... we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : I think I'll stroll up to the front to see how the shooting's going.
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Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Can't you do something about Frank?
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : No, like stand him up and have him shot!
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : [knocking on Margaret's door] Fuller Brush Man. I have a special today. A back scratcher in the form of a naked doctor.
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Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan : [Waking up Hawkeye because of her hot appendix] Pulse is rapid, temperature's up. I can't stand it anymore.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : I'm ready. Your tent or my father's Chevy?
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Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Oh - hell!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : What?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : You heard me! H-e-double toothpicks! You guys don't care!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Hey, hey, hey, Radar, take it easy.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Sure, we care.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Who delivered your guinea pig's triplets - Manny, Moe, and Jack? Who gave your chicken an aspirin when it got hysterical?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : You, sir.
Captain B.J. Hunnicut : Who belted Major Burns when he wanted to cook your rabbit for Easter?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Both you sirs.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Look, what this boils down to is who gets stuck with Burns.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Mm-hmm.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Now, if you were in command, what would you do?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I'd take him to Tokyo.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : That's why you're not in command. Dismissed.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Colonel, Burns isn't fit to command.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : No sweat. Radar runs the outfit anyway.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yeah, but he makes crazy rules. "Chew your food 100 times."
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I showed the fink. I swallowed my steak whole.