- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: So your gonna eat you way to a discharge?
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I call it food for freedom.
- Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I call it suicide by salami.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Over the P.A. system] Ten hut, all you mopes. This is your C.O., the guy who set up this little wingding. Remember me? Couldn't help but notice that some of you are less than delighted with the program. Well, we're gonna straighten that out. Those of you who still have the energy will report to the mess tent right now. Those of you who don't have the energy will report three minutes earlier.
- [He pauses for a few moments]
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Same to you.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: If God had intended man to be in a crutch race, he would have given him two broken legs.
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: [getting into their Jeep] It's only a race.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: A race? A race? That wasn't just a race, that was the olympics!
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Fine, you can stay here if you want, I'm going to Manilla.
- [tries to start the Jeep. It won't turn over; Margaret gets out]
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Where are you going?
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Move over. If we're gonna go, we might as well get there.
- [takes the wheel and they drive off]
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Come on, Margaret, it was only a race.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: We've all been following the Olympics pretty closely. We'd all like to be there.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Or anywhere else, for that matter.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: But since we can't, we're going to hold our own little Olympics right here.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Give 'em Helsinki, Colonel.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Now, listen, Major. When you get to Manila, first place you wanna go...
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Oh, thank you, Colonel. Thank you so much.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: [Maj. Houlihan leaves. Col. Potter turns around and addresses the shelf] First place you wanna go is the Blue Machete Cafe. You'll love it, Major.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Take your positions for the crutch race. Fifty of the most grueling yards you'll ever see. It takes stamina, balance, a good sense of direction, and strong armpits. No starts till you hear the sound of the gun. I want a good, clean race. I know how sneaky you people are, so I'll be watching carefully. Remember, no jabbing, tripping, or blocking.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Well, there goes our game plan.
- [first lines]
- PA Announcer: Attention, all personnel. More Olympic results from Helsinki. In the men's water polo competition, the U.S. splashed to a fourth-place finish.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I wonder what they give you for fourth place.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: They name you Miss Congeniality.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You're in for a beating.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Wanna bet?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Money?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What's money? I want respect.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: What do you got in mind?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Nothing fancy. I'd like to sit on a throne and have you cower at my feet.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: I'm a little short of thrones. How about a wheelchair?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Okay. The loser has to push the winner around in a wheelchair.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: For a week.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Shake.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: If you can stand my grip.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Chuckles] Let the games begin.
- Sgt. Ames: Look, I'm too far gone. I only got 10 days until my orders come in. What's the difference if I'm 20 pounds overweight or 30?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Beej, I don't believe Ames here is familiar with the amazing Pierce-Hunnicutt quick-loss plan.
- Sgt. Ames: Huh?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: It's famous. Simple diet and exercise. 20 pounds in 10 days.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: If not completely satisfied, your blubber cheerfully refunded. What do you say?
- Sgt. Ames: You know, I'd appreciate that a whole lot.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Okay. Here's step number 1.
- [Hawkeye takes away Ames's tray of food and puts it on the used tray stack]
- Sgt. Ames: That hurts.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: You look thinner already.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Hold it. We're not finished yet. You people are in sorry shape. This is a mobile hospital. If we ever have to bug out, you won't be able to lift a tent pole.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: I'm a surgeon. I'm not a circus roustabout.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You're a clown.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: You're a buffoon.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Bozo.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Bottle it.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You know we're wasting our time here? We could be in Helsinki training track stars and chasing Viking women.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Hmm. Speaking of which, Father Mulcahy gave me great odds on Zatopek in the marathon.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You bet on Zatopek?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Of course. He's already won two long races.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That's what I mean. He's all tired out. Now he's gotta run a marathon. 40 miles and no restrooms.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: Next to a good mass, there's nothing more stirring than the Olympics.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Oh, yes, the Olympics. Where every four years, people from all nations gather together to sweat.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Ha! Hawkeye, what you know about sports would fit on the tip of a javelin.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Oh, yeah? What makes you such an expert?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: My two varsity letters.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Ha ha ha! Two letters and a scholarship.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You? An athletic scholarship?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: That's right. The coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [B.J. and Hawkeye are leading the camp in morning calisthenics] Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two, three, four. Hut, two...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Hold--Wait a minute, wait a minute. You in the woodwind section.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Brass.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Why aren't you playing toe touchies?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, we're all just fooling ourselves here.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Isn't that what the army's all about?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Morning exercise is futile at best. When one arises, the body is more subject to postural hypotension.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: You tell 'em, Doc!
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Blood flows away from the brain, and blacking out becomes a distinct possibility. Well, what it all boils down to, gentlemen, is that you're not getting one toe touchie out of me.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Charles is not participating in the exercise regimen] Uh, Charles, could we have a word with you, please?
- Maj. Charles Winchester: Briefly.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: See, we'd like to get this over with, so we'd kind of like your cooperation.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Charles chuckles] And if we don't get it, we're gonna wash our dirty socks in your Chateauneuf du Pape.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: [snickers] You wouldn't!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: And rinse them in your Earl Gray Tea.
- Maj. Charles Winchester: ...You would.
- [to the crowd]
- Maj. Charles Winchester: On the other hand, circulatory stress does aid in the prevention of arterial sclerosis, and I'm certainly all for that. So hands on hips, please.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: [Addressing the team] All right, all right. I know. I know we've lost the last two events, but that's only a temporary setback. I have every reason to believe we're gonna go out there and win this thing!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: [the team cheers] All right. I'm with you Captain.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Margaret, you wanted to say a few words?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Yes, thank you, Captain.
- [She stands on a bench]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: You people stink! You're slow! You're lazy! You have no spirit! Do B.J. and I have to carry this whole crummy team? Now I want you to get out there and fight! Fight, fight, fight! Let's take it to them! Let's cut out their hearts! Let's win!
- [She sits back down]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Thank you, Captain.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: What am I supposed to do?
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: I guess you'll just have to sit this one out.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Captain Pink!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: Uh, oh, Colonel?
- [BJ points to Margaret's husband, Donald]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt: There's a little boy over there who looks like he wants to play.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Of course! Donald! Colonel Penobscott, I need your broad shoulders.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Stop! Hold it, time out, and just a doggone second!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Darling, you're gonna be my partner in the Nurse Carry.
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: I am?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Yes!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Colonel, this is the 4077th Olympics. Gorgeous George is just an out-of-town relative.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Objection sustained. The purpose of this is to build up our own people.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Thank you, Your Honor. There'll be a little something for you in your chambers later.
- Col. Sherman T. Potter: Colonel, that's not fair!
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: No, dear, the Colonel's right. These are your games. And anyway, with my athletic ability, Pierce's side wouldn't stand a chance.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: What-- Wait a second. Now wait a minute. What do you mean, wouldn't stand a chance?
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Well, I didn't mean it exactly like that. I'm sure it would be, uh, competitive.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You bet your brass.
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: Of course, a guy who was All-American in track and wrestling at West Point doesn't often lose to a bunch of army doctors.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Just a second, jocko! Would you like to put your muscle where your mouth is?
- Lt. Col. Donald Penobscott: As a matter of fact, I'd really like that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Pick up your wife, cadet.