M*A*S*H (TV Series)
The Novocaine Mutiny (1976)
Mike Farrell: Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt
Photos
Quotes
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Colonel Carmichael : [after Radar explains helping Frank search Klinger's tent] This Cpl. Klinger, she's a nurse?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : [laughs briefly] Oh, no, sir.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : If I may, Colonel, Cpl Klinger is a corpsman. He's a good soldier. He'd prefer to be a good civilian. To that end he dresses, erm...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : In dresses.
Colonel Carmichael : Bucking for a section 8?
Col. Sherman T. Potter : The man does his job, I'll give him that. I'm not saying I'd want an entire company of Klingers.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Unless Christian Dior attacks Pearl Harbor.
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Maj. Frank Burns : I don't believe you did it. Officers don't steal.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Right.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : We don't go to the toilet either.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : We just explode when we're 50.
[Radar looks up, concerned]
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : Besides my life, Frank wants my virginity.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : We all do.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : If only I'd known.
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Maj. Frank Burns : [during a practice bug out that Frank has ordered]
[blows whistle]
Maj. Frank Burns : Chop, chop! Get the lead out! This is a war, you know!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : See? I told you this was a war, but you said we were both dreaming.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut : How could we be in each other's dreams?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : How could I be in Korea? More importantly, why is this chicken outfit crossing the road?
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Colonel Potter's chair wasn't even cold before Frank decided to re-create the 4077 in his own weird image.
Maj. Frank Burns : I object to the word "weird."
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : How about warped? Bizarre? Balmy?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Perverted? Loony? Loopy?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Dippy.
Maj. Frank Burns : I'm gonna sue all of you.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No doubt for definition of character.
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Maj. Frank Burns : What do you think you're doing wearing civilian underpants?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Is nothing sacred? These happen to be my mother's.
Maj. Frank Burns : Oh, really?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : They are. She said as long as I wore them, nothing would ever happen to me. She figured that, since nothing ever happened to her when she wore them.
Maj. Frank Burns : I'm here to discuss something besides underwear.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Make it brief.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Ohh! That's very bad.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Not funny, but fast.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Frank, pre-op means preparation. Prep 'em!
Maj. Frank Burns : Listen, they're backing up out there. With all this shelling, there'll be more wounded! We'll overflow! We'll be buried alive!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That beats their being buried dead, Frank. Now get out there and practice medicine or I'm gonna report you to Lionel Barrymore.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Frank, what are you doing?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : He's adapted Henry Ford's principles to medicine. He sends the wounded in on an assembly line and we're supposed to attach the headlights.
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Sgt. Zelmo Zale : You know, I've been burned with a three of a kind before. It's getting so I can smell a straight.
[folds]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Two, three, four, five, and five.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : A pair of fives.
Sgt. Zelmo Zale : A crummy pair of fives?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Bravo, Beej.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : You win here with a pair of fives huh?
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yes sir.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : In the immortal words of Napoleon, deal me in.