- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Apart from the sniper, don't you think things are running fairly smoothly?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Nobody's eaten in 13 hours, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes. Well, that coincides with how long we've gone without food.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I have this peculiar metabolism. If I don't eat regularly, everything solid in my body turns to liquid. My shoes are full of water.
- Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: Does every new nurse fall in love with you here?
- Hawkeye: No, only the ones with taste.
- Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: Do you think I have any?
- Hawkeye: I don't know, let me taste you.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: We're under fire!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Hell's bells! We're a hospital! That's against the Geneva Convention!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not for it either, sir.
- Hawkeye: [a clanging is heard in the kitchen] The mess tent.
- Frank Burns: The sniper?
- Hawkeye: Quiet! Come on.
- Frank Burns: Me?
- Hawkeye: He doesn't know we're out here, but we know he's in there, which gives us a good chance to catch him.
- Frank Burns: Catch him?
- Hawkeye: Or he catches us, whichever way it works out.
- Frank Burns: Look, if you want to be a hero that much, you go.
- Hawkeye: Frank, you know what a hero is? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn. Come on.
- Frank Burns: Wait! I'll come with you!
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: I've never met a nurse who didn't register.
- [pause]
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Get it? Get it?
- Frank Burns: Do you know how long it took me to become a doctor? Do you?
- Hawkeye: I, I thought the usual time.
- Frank Burns: Twice as long. I flunked outta two med schools. I even thought of switching to male nurse but I could never learn how to make hospital corners.
- Hawkeye: Frank, you really...
- Frank Burns: And during my internship the local undertaker used to send me Christmas presents and calendars! But I made it.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Blake yells at the sniper from the door of the shower tent] Can you hear me out there? This is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake!
- [a shot from the sniper hits the door frame, causing Blake to duck back inside the tent]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That son of a gun hears pretty good!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Colonel, if we are overrun, may I remind you of your responsibility for the women of this command? What guarantee do we have concerning the violations of our bodies, the possibly numerous, multiple violations of our bodies by the enemy.
- Hawkeye: What kind of guarantee do you want?
- Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: This is eerie.
- Hawkeye: Sit a little closer. It drives away the eeries.
- Lieutenant Suzanne Marquette: Why do I feel safe here with you?
- Hawkeye: Search me; I don't.
- Frank Burns: [a sniper attacks while Frank Burns is outside camp with Margaret, and Hawkeye with Lt. Marquette; Hawkeye rushes to retrieve Lt. Marquette, on the next hill] Where are you going?
- Hawkeye: [shouts, running] Grab a friend, and get back to camp!
- Hawkeye: Frank, I know it's irrational to ask you a rational question, but why do you need a gun?
- Frank Burns: We, are in a battle zone, mister. Only three miles from the front!
- Hawkeye: Must have very long bullets.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What's the situation in here?
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Desperate, Colonel. No food, no ammunition.
- Frank Burns: Low on supplies, low on morale.
- Hawkeye: But very high on panic.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah, Frank's been a marvelous commandant.
- Hawkeye: He's risen to a new low.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'm gonna call regimental headquarters for immediate help.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Henry, we did. We're on our own till tomorrow.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: We can't just wait! We've gotta do something!
- Frank Burns: Anything!
- Hawkeye: I agree with Frank. I think we should do anything.