- Francis: [Francis is on the phone to Dewey] How did she die?
- Dewey: Cats ate her face.
- Francis: Dewey, I think you're confused. I'm asking about Aunt Helen.
- Dewey: Cats ate her face.
- Francis: Put Mom or Dad on the phone.
- Hal: [Dewey hands the phone to Hal] Hello?
- Francis: Dad, what happened to Aunt Helen?
- Hal: Cats ate her face. Here, Dewey knows more about it than I do.
- [hands the phone back to Dewey]
- Malcolm: I just remembered. I have a big book report due tomorrow and I haven't even started reading it.
- [to the camera]
- Malcolm: Standard technique: you volunteer a small crime to distract them from looking for the big one.
- Lois: So, what's the report on?
- Malcolm: A Tale of Two Cities.
- Lois: Oh, how many words?
- Malcolm: 750.
- Lois: Was that on your assignment sheet?
- Malcolm: No, it's an addendum.
- Lois: When did you get that?
- Malcolm: Thursday. I didn't bring it home. That's why I forgot to do the assignment.
- [to the camera]
- Malcolm: Ooh, nice one.
- Lois: Well, I suppose if it's schoolwork...
- Malcolm: [to the camera] That's the mislead. Wait for the reverse.
- Lois: A Tale of Two Cities. Who's that by?
- Malcolm: Charles Dickens.
- Lois: Oh, I thought it was Victor Hugo.
- Malcolm: No, it's Dickens.
- Lois: Is that the one with Jean Valjean?
- Malcolm: That's Les Miserables.
- Lois: No, no. Isn't A Tale of Two Cities the one with Jean Valjean, where he's says "It's a far, far better thing I do..." right before he steals a loaf of bread?
- Malcolm: No. Sidney Carton says that right before they behead him.
- Lois: I thought you hadn't read it.
- Malcolm: What? No. I said I hadn't written it.
- Lois: And when is it due?
- Malcolm: Tomorrow. I told you.
- Lois: On Les Miserables?
- Malcolm: Yes. No! A Tale of Two Cities.
- Lois: Which you haven't read yet.
- Malcolm: Right.
- Lois: But you just said you did.
- Malcolm: No, I... I said I didn't, and then you said... it was... Thursday, and... look, I just don't want to go to this stupid funeral. There's no reason for me to go and I want to go to the concert with Julie!
- Malcolm: [after Malcolm reads a poem in class; to Stevie] Before you say anything, just remember we're best friends, so that wheelchair isn't going to stop me from kicking your ass.
- Stevie Kenarban: Bring it on, Homeo.
- Lois: Malcolm, I am ashamed of you. Wanting to deny your poor Aunt Helen her due.
- Malcolm: No, that won't work on me. Because I know you didn't love Aunt Helen. You hated her!
- Lois: 'Course I hated her. What does that have to do with anything?
- Malcolm: What?
- Lois: Malcolm, this isn't about love. It's about family. We have a duty to this family and we are darn well going to do it.
- Lois: Francis, I can't talk to you right now. We're on our way to Aunt Helen's funeral.
- Francis: Aunt Helen died?
- Lois: Well, I sure hope so. We're going to her funeral.
- Francis: Well, when did she die? Mom, why didn't anybody tell me?
- Lois: We didn't want to have to worry you over nothing.
- Francis: Nothing? She's dead. How's Uncle Fred taking it?
- Lois: I don't think he's thought too much about it. He died about two months ago.
- Lois: [to Malcolm] Did you call that girl?
- Malcolm: Yes, I called her and told her I couldn't go to the concert and now she's probably going to invite someone else.
- Lois: Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry that my mother's sister, the woman who took care of me every day after school had to die and inconvenience your social life
- Malcolm: She does it on purpose. I could have made up a million different escape plan, but now my brain is filled with mom guilt
- Hal: I have to get my speech ready.
- Lois: Honey, you know you don't have to talk at every funeral we go to.
- Hal: I wish that were true. You see how people look to me when they ask if somebody has a few words to say?
- Lois: They're not looking to you. They're looking at you.
- Hal: To, at. What's the difference?
- Lois: Look, Francis, I guess I get scattered. You know, sometimes I forget what I told you and you're not here, so...
- Francis: I'm not there because you sent me away. I swear, I'm not even a part of this family anymore.
- Lois: Francis, it's very important that you understand that is not true, but I don't have time right now.
- Francis: Oh, I understand. It's not like it's a matter of life and death. Oh, wait, it is! Anyone else die in the last five minutes I should know about?
- Lois: Francis, You wanna know everything that's been happening? Your father mowed the lawn, Reese polished off all the cereal and I dropped a frying pan on my foot and I got a big black mark. You want me to send a picture?
- Lois: After all I do for this family. I cook, I clean, I spackle, I plunge and none of it means anything to any of you people. And the one time I ask you for something, something that I shouldn't even have to ask you for and all I get are complaints!
- Hal: Well, what about me, hmm? You think I want to be cleaning out the gutters when I could be surfing the beaches of Europe or... or cruising around on my hog?
- Lois: What hog?
- Hal: Ah-ha! Exactly. Where's my hog?
- Lois: I have had it! From now on, no one has to do anything. We can all just do whatever we want and I want to take a bubble bath!
- Julie Houlerman: [after Julie crashes into the garbage] I just wanted to be nice. People told me not to come to your house, but I thought they were just being silly!
- Malcolm: Julie, I'm sorry. Things aren't usually like this. Just give me a minute and I'll be ready to go.
- Julie Houlerman: I don't want to go anymore! Just leave me alone!
- [storms out of the house]
- Malcolm: Mom, this has gone too far. You have to do something. It's not supposed to be like this.We're not supposed to injure my friends. We're not supposed to let people see me in my underpants. We're supposed to be there for each other.
- Lois: Like when a family member dies and we're supposed to go to their funeral?
- Malcolm: I did a terrible thing today. I tore this family apart and I'm really sorry for that. But... it's not half as bad as what Reese did!
- [opens up Reese's backpack and pulls out the destroyed Mighty Man doll]
- Lois: Oh, my God! Was this Dewey's present?
- Dewey: Present?
- Lois: Reese, how could you? Do you know how expensive this was? Hal?
- Hal: I'm on it. That was a terrible thing to do to your little brother.
- Malcolm: There's more. He was going to bury it with Aunt Helen.
- Hal: You were going to make Aunt Helen spend eternity with a crushed Mighty Man?
- Dewey: M-Mighty Man?
- Lois: I can't believe you.
- Hal: This is a whole new low, Reese.
- Reese: First of all, this is all circumstantial. I don't know how that thing got in my backpack. As for this Aunt Helen business, no one knows what I would've done at that funeral because we're not going.
- Lois: Who says we're not going?
- Reese: You did.
- Lois: Well, you can guess again. You are going to march right up to that coffin and apologize to that poor, dead woman.
- Malcolm: Well, it's been a pretty productive day. I made Julie Houlerman hate me. Reese is going to kill me the second we get home and right now, Aunt Helen is personally bad-mouthing me to God.