Malcolm in the Middle (TV Series)

If Boys Were Girls (2003)

Jane Kaczmarek: Lois

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm : [to Reese]  Give me my pen. I'm warning you!

  Reese : Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do? What's the baby going to do?

  Malcolm : [punches Reese which knocks him to the ground] 

  Lois : Malcolm!

  Hal : [as the rest of the family gathers around Reese]  Malcolm? You can take Reese?

• Malcolm : Why do we have to go shopping anyway?

  Lois : Because you ruin everything you own. New clothes don't just magically appear in your drawers

  Dewey : Mine do.

• Lois : Mallory, I think we're all getting a little bit frazzled. Why don't we talk about this while we're modelling our clothes for each other at home?

  Renee : Yeah, that's really good, Mom, because by then, the buzz from her diet pills will have worn off.

  Lois : [looks at Mallory]  Diet pills?

  Mallory : I have a slow metabolism, okay?

  [to Renee] 

  Mallory : And I don't burn off calories having sex with a different boy every night down by the creek!

  Lois : [to Renee]  I thought you were at band practice every night.

  Daisy : There is no band!

  Renee : Shut up, Flatsy Patsy. You don't know anything.

  Daisy : I know you're pregnant.

  Renee : [starts panicking]  She is lying. That is ridiculous! I'm not pregnant because I know that sex is wrong, and immoral, and fun... no, wait...

• Lois : Girls don't do this! You're supposed to be easy!

  Mallory : No, Mom! You're easy.

  Daisy : We can fool you about anything. We're girls. We know how you think, and we're not above using it!

• Renee : [as she holds up three shirts]  I can't decide between the peach, melon or the salmon. I just have to get all three.

  Lois : No, honey, now you're going to have to make a choice.

  Renee : Gee, Mom, if you're going to force me to wear knockoffs, can I at least just get what I want?

• Hal : [to Mallory]  Here you go, sweetie. Here's the make-up you wanted.

  Mallory : Oh, thank you so much, Daddy!

  Lois : Hal, what are you doing? You said she couldn't have that.

  Hal : [while crying]  Well, she asked me again, and told me that you said it would be okay after all, and you know, then she started getting all teary-eyed, and, I... I just... I...

  Lois : Mallory! How could you do that?

  Mallory : Don't worry, Mom. I won't wear it around the house. I know how desperate you are to be the prettiest.

• Lois : This isn't right. Girls don't do these things. Girls are nicer. Girls are better.

  Mallory : Oh, come off it! Who do you think made us this way?

• Lois : [At the end of the episode] 

  [to her unborn child] 

  Lois : I hope you're a girl.