Married... with Children (TV Series)

Al Goes Deep (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Quotes 

• [after eating Peggy's homemade bonbon, which has extra sugar and caffeine in it, Marcy, full of energy, runs swiftly around Al after he comes home] 

  Marcy D'Arcy : [talks fast]  Al's home! Al's home! I hate you. Welcome home, Al. How was your day? I've had a great day. Still haven't gotten my tax refund. It'll come soon. It's gonna be a big one. Have you tasted Peggy's bonbons? Gee, I wonder what's on TV tonight. It's Sunday. Oh, no, Carlin's on. Al's home. Hi, Al.

  [Marcy runs out the door] 

  Al Bundy : Who put the battery in the energizer chicken?

  Peggy Bundy : Gee, maybe I made this batch a tad too sweet. Here, Buck, what do you think?

  [Buck eats Peggy's bonbon] 

  Al Bundy : Peg, have you seen Kelly and Chad?

  Peggy Bundy : Yeah. They went to the zoo.

  Al Bundy : Yeah, but I heard he missed practice today.

  Peggy Bundy : So?

  Al Bundy : "So"? Peg, don't you understand? If Chad doesn't win...

  [Al hears a loud pounding sound. He turns around and sees Marcy rapidly chopping wood outside] 

  Al Bundy : You know, it's not gonna be a pretty sight when she crashes. Or when he does.

  [Buck is running around in circles extremely fast] 

  Buck : [talks fast]  I'm gonna kill'em. I'm gonna wait 'til they're asleep. Then I'm gonna kill'em. Then I'm gonna eat'em. I'm gonna kill'em, eat'em, then bury their bones.

  Al Bundy : I knew this would happen. Kelly's making it hard for Chad to concentrate on the game.

  Peggy Bundy : Relax, Al. They're just a couple of kids in love. They remind me of us when we were that age.

  Al Bundy : That's exactly why I have to put a stop to it!

• Peggy Bundy : [about her homemade bonbons]  I'm gonna go find Marcy, get a woman's opinion.

  Al Bundy : Why? Does she know one?

• Al Bundy : [presses on his nose]  At tomorrow's game, there's gonna be some very powerful men who will not breathe easy until Chad wins the game.

  Kelly Bundy : Well, maybe if they used both nostrils, they'd breathe easier in the first place.

• Al Bundy : What do you think you're doing, Chad? You missed football practice today!

  Chad Dowling : There was practice today? Man, time just stops when I'm with Kelly.

  Al Bundy : Chad, you do not want Kelly. From the moment she was conceived, she's ruined men's lives. All men. Swaggart, Bakker, Kennedy... Kennedy, Kennedy... Swaggart again.

• [after Chad falls down a flight of stairs] 

  Al Bundy : Chad! Chad! Say something, Chad!

  Chad Dowling : I think I broke my arm.

  Al Bundy : Say something else!

  Chad Dowling : I know I broke my arm!

• Al Bundy : Pumpkin, look, it's your old boyfriend, Stab Wound.

• Al Bundy : Jefferson.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah?

  Al Bundy : Look over there. You see that kid?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah.

  Al Bundy : That's your 15-to-one shot.

  Chad Dowling : [to Bud]  If a cow says "moo", does a moose say "cow"?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : What am I betting? That one day, he'll sell shoes?

• Al Bundy : So I'm out $17.34. So I'll just take it from the register tomorrow.

  [Jefferson enters] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Al, you're the greatest. When I told my bookie this inside information, he bet 100 grand of his own money. Even the jukebox guys are in on it. With their 500 grand, my 200, and your $17.34, we're gonna make a killing. You're gonna be a hero, Al.

  Buck : You're gonna be kibble, Al.

• Peggy Bundy : Hey, Jefferson, come here a minute. I want you to try one of my homemade bonbons.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Okay.

  Peggy Bundy : Okay.

  [Peggy puts her large bonbon in Jefferson's hand. Due to its weight, Jefferson uses both hands to pull it up] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Where is it? In this meteorite?

  [Jefferson chews on the bonbon. An hour and five minutes passes] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Mmm. Fruity. Light. I-It's the most delicious thing...

  Al Bundy : Peg's gone.

• Peggy Bundy : All right, Al, now close your eyes. I want you to tell me which one of these bonbons you like better.

  [Al closes his eyes] 

  Peggy Bundy : I'm not gonna tell you which one is mine.

  Al Bundy : Okay.

  [Al eats a small bonbon Peggy gives him] 

  Al Bundy : Not bad.

  Peggy Bundy : Okay. Now...

  [pulls out a large bonbon] 

  Peggy Bundy : This one.

  [Peggy puts the large bonbon in Al's hand. It is very heavy. Al, after struggling to bring it up, bites into it. An hour passes and Al finally finishes chewing on it] 

  Peggy Bundy : So, what do you think?

  Al Bundy : Well, it's... got a lot of tang.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, it should. I used a whole jar of it! Oh... All right now, Al. Tell me what you think, and be honest.

  Al Bundy : Don't quit your day couch, Peg.

• Peggy Bundy : You know, Al, I know how you could spend that refund. I saw this nice bonbon maker on the Home Shopping Network. It would make my life a lot easier.

  Al Bundy : Peg, if your life was any easier, you'd be in an urn in the garage.