Married... with Children (TV Series)

Dial 'B' for Virgin (1994)

David Faustino: Bud Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Judy : If there had been a Virgin Hotline when I was her age, I might have known who her father was.

  Bud Bundy : Well, knowing who your father is isn't all it's cracked up to be.

• Bud Bundy : Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counselor, eh... Eugene.

  Kelly Bundy : [On phone]  Hi, my name is Isis J. Blowupdoll, and my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now, should I try to stay firm or just explode and go to pieces?

  Bud Bundy : Yeah, very funny, Kel, but don't let me keep you. I'm sure the trucker paid for the WHOLE hour.

• Bud Bundy : Hey, Dad. I got a problem. I, uh... I did something really stupid.

  Al Bundy : Well, son, you didn't... marry, did you?

  Bud Bundy : God, no.

• Bud Bundy : I volunteered for this program in college where they assign you community service work for extra credit. Well, I was hoping to get "Save the Brazilian Rainforest".

  Al Bundy : Why? What do you care?

  Bud Bundy : I wanted to see naked women from Rio.

• Bud Bundy : Well, with self-esteem intact, I'm gonna get ready for my orientation now. Kelly...

  Kelly Bundy : Mm-hmm?

  Bud Bundy : Would you be so kind as to insult me up the stairs, please?

  Kelly Bundy : Mmm. My pleasure. Now, when people call up, do you merely talk them out of sex or do you send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants back on them?

• Bud Bundy : [on the phone]  Virgin Hotline.

  Kelly Bundy : [with a deep voice]  Hi, this is Buck. I'm wearing nothing but my fur. I miss you, Bud. I miss our special times together.

  [pants] 

• Bud Bundy : [reads the name off a slip of paper]  Esther. With a name like that, I should have brought a chew toy.

• Bud Bundy : So... a virgin, huh?

  Esther : I just can't tell you how tough it is today for a woman to maintain her chastity. Every single girl I know is just preoccupied with sex. They'll have it with anyone, anywhere, anytime.

  Bud Bundy : Really? Well, if you just give me their names, their photos, and their phone numbers, I'll get to the bottom of them... I mean... I mean "of it", the bottom of it.

  Esther : [comes forward to sit up close]  No, Bud, please don't leave before my mother gets home. If I take my eyes off you, I know I'll get all horny again.

  Bud Bundy : [drily]  I'm glad to be of service.

  Esther : Can I get you something to drink?

  Bud Bundy : You got anything, uh...

  [looks down her blouse] 

  Bud Bundy : fresh-squeezed?

  Esther : I'll see.

  [gets up to fix refreshments] 

  Esther : I'm real sorry to drag you out on a Friday night like this, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate an organization like yours, Bud. I don't understand what's wrong with the world. Everywhere you look, temptation.

  [Esther bends over to get something from the cupboard, giving Bud a tempting view] 

  Bud Bundy : Zima guy, Zima guy. No, no, I mean, I mean, I mean, Roseanne, Roseanne.