- Jade: Hi there, shoe man. I was in here last week and I can't stop thinking about you. Remember me?
- Al Bundy: Nightly! Uh... I mean vaguely. Can I help you?
- Jade: I don't know how else to say it... but I want you!
- Al Bundy: Well, that's so nice. But... I'm married.
- Jade: Perfect. That means you're already broken in.
- Peggy Bundy: My mother taught me two things: Never feed a man when you can feed yourself twice, and if you're going to rot on the couch in hell, the least your husband can do is to burn right beside you.
- Peggy Bundy: [while going through Al's wallet] Okay, Kelly, how much do you need?
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, I don't know. How much does it take to start a new life?
- Peggy Bundy: More than your father has in his wallet. Let's see.
- [gives Kelly money]
- Peggy Bundy: Here's $5.00. Bud?
- Bud Bundy: Well, going by the old "double for virgins" rule, I get 10.
- Kelly Bundy: Mom, if you let him get away with that, when he's 65, he'll be expecting two gold watches.
- Al Bundy: [from upstairs] Hey, Peg! Have you seen my wallet?
- Peggy Bundy: [still going through Al's wallet] Gee, uh, I don't know. What does it look like?
- Al Bundy: Old, wrinkled, and empty, like my life.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, don't worry, Al. I didn't marry you for your money. I'm not really sure why I did, but I know it wasn't money.
- Al Bundy: Hey, Peg, listen. I know you were, uh, planning to fix me some nice nothing for supper, but you better freeze it, 'cause, uh, Steve and I are going to the track tonight.
- Peggy Bundy: That really hurts, Al. You know, I purposely didn't ask you for any money today, and now you're going to go blow it at the track. That's where all your money goes, you know.
- Al Bundy: No, I don't think so, Peg. See, I've never woken up in the middle of the night to find a quarter horse going through my wallet.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, Steve, uh, if you're going to the track, be sure to bet whatever Al bets, because as you can see, he's a winner.
- [Al and Steve come home late at night]
- Steve Rhoades: Take it easy, Al. It happens.
- Al Bundy: It doesn't happen to me. It's never, never happened to me. Wha- What am I going to do? How am I going to tell Peg?
- Steve Rhoades: Look, you just have to be brave. Just come right out and tell her, "Peg, I won $1250."
- Steve Rhoades: Well, I know what I'm going to do with the 50 bucks I won: share it with Marcy.
- Al Bundy: [sarcastically] Wow, Hondo. You are much man.
- Steve Rhoades: Hey, I'm not ashamed to say that it gives me great pleasure to share with my wife. What I am ashamed to say is that's a total lie. But she scares me to death, Al.
- Steve Rhoades: Al, what you're asking me to do goes against everything I believe in. You're asking me to lie to my wife, to deceive her, and I'm afraid I just can't do that... For less than 50 bucks.
- Al Bundy: [gives Steve money] You're a real weenie, Steve.
- Steve Rhoades: Yes, but a weenie with $50.
- Marcy Rhoades: What's wrong with Al? I was out on the street picking up my newspaper when he pulled out. He didn't aim his car at me and gun it.
- Peggy Bundy: If Al has money, then he doesn't come home.
- Marcy Rhoades: Will he take a check? 'Cause I know the rest of the block will kick in.
- Marcy Rhoades: Well, love touches us all in different ways, I suppose. But early on, Steve and I decided to share everything and keep no secrets from each other.
- Peggy Bundy: Huh. Well, I would keep a good eye on him, Marce, because God only knows what ideas Al put in his head when they went to the track.
- Marcy Rhoades: Steve went to the track? You know, I thought it was kind of odd that Al went with him to the library.
- Peggy Bundy: Steve has money too.
- Marcy Rhoades: No, I won't believe it. He would never keep something like that from me. And I'm so sure of it that I'm going to tear my home apart piece by piece. You'll see, I won't find so much as a dollar. And if I do, I'll take his pride and joy and superglue it to a Ferris wheel.
- Steve Rhoades: Look, Al, I-I-I have to talk to you. I'm really feeling guilty about hiding that money from Marcy. So could you do me a favor and spend yours so I can share mine? I can't stand the way she looks at me, with such trust.
- Al Bundy: You sure? A lot of guys mistake trust for that just-keep-the-checks-coming-in-or-you're-out-of-here look. They're very similar, you know.
- Al Bundy: Look, could you just give me a couple of more days? In the name of friendship. Huh, buddy?
- Steve Rhoades: Okay, in the name of friendship, which, at today's rates, is another 50 bucks.
- Al Bundy: [gives Steve money] You're a weenie, Steve.
- Steve Rhoades: Yes, but a weenie with 100 bucks.
- Al Bundy: So, uh, what do you want, Peg?
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, I thought I'd come down so we could cuddle. We haven't done that for a long time.
- Al Bundy: Oh, Peg, just once, couldn't we do something I like?
- Peggy Bundy: I don't want to dig in my ear and grin like an idiot.
- [Steve gives Al $1000 for his stereo]
- Al Bundy: You're a real weenie, Steve.
- Steve Rhoades: Yes, but a weenie with a stereo and $150 stashed away that Marcy knows nothing about.
- Steve Rhoades: So what are you going to do with the money, Al?
- Al Bundy: What I always knew I would.
- [Al goes over to the staircase and flaps his money in the air. Instantly, Peggy, Bud, and Kelly come downstairs]
- Peggy Bundy: Al, I heard a strange sound. What was it?
- Al Bundy: Family, I have an announcement. I have money.
- [Peggy immediately takes the money and she and the kids run towards the door]
- Bud Bundy: I'm getting a new skateboard and a leather jacket.
- Kelly Bundy: Well, I'm going to get a CD player and a suede skirt and some new boots.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, and I'm going to spend 'til I drop!
- Bud Bundy: Wait a second, wait a second. Think we should get Dad something?
- Peggy Bundy: Well, gee, I'd love to, but I don't think we have enough money.
- [after Peggy and the kids took Al's money and left]
- Steve Rhoades: Well, what can I say? You, my friend, are a loser, whereas I am your consummate winner.
- [someone bangs on the door]
- Marcy Rhoades: Steve, get out here and explain this $150 I found hidden!
- [Steve looks terrified, Al cackles as he walks towards the door]
- Al Bundy: Ah, let me handle this, buddy.
- [opens the door and lets Marcy in]
- Al Bundy: Marcy, now, let me explain. Now, Steve wasn't hiding anything from you. He was doing me a favor. He was hiding MY $150.
- [takes Steve's money from Marcy]
- Al Bundy: 'Cause he would never hide anything from you. Right, Steve?
- Steve Rhoades: [bitterly] Right.