Married... with Children (TV Series)

If Al Had a Hammer (1991)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jefferson : Having sex with a pregnant woman is like putting gas in a car you just wrecked.

  Al : Well luckily Peg pulls into self service.

• Al : That's what's wrong with this country, Peg; everytime something tears up, we call someone to fix it. Not like Grandpa Bundy; there was a fixin' man.

  Bud : You mean Grandpa Hook?

  Al : Well, circular saws were new then. But he carved his own hook; he didn't call anybody!

  Peggy : It would have been hard for him to hold the phone with the one finger he had left on his other hand.

  Al : One finger is all a real American needs, Peg.

• Al : Let the record show that the chairperson shows not only the wit, but also the body of Buddy Hackett.

  Kelly : Duly noted.

• Al : Dad had one great dream, a dream that had been handed down from generation to generation of male Bundys: to build their own room and live separately from their wives. Sadly, they all failed.

  Peggy : No, genetically, they all failed.

• Peggy : Who is loved more than all babies that came before him. Now, since we have limited space, I would like to move that the baby share a room with Daddy and me. We'll just put a crib at the foot of the bed.

  Al : I would like the record to show that I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah. I would rather engage in a frolicking threesome with Roseanne and her cool husband. I would rather play Naked Twister with every one of the Golden Girls, than have that little screaming doodie geyser at the foot of my bed. I've said my piece, thank you.

  [he sits down, then stands back up] 

  Al : Hail baby.

• Al : [one of Jefferson's friends has just done the "pull my finger gag"]  And I thought I ran with a cool crowd in high school.