- Computer: [Al goes out into the garage] Aw, come back, Al. I really can do great things. Listen, why did the shoe salesman buy a computer? Give up? Because he's married to an idiot. Ha ha ha.
- [Al returns carrying a sledgehammer]
- Computer: Al? What are you doing? Peggy? Kids? Ah, what am I worried about? Nobody's stupid enough to break a $2,500...
- [Al smashes the computer into a smoking heap]
- Steve: I used to be like you, Al. Well, not *just* like you, I mean, I cared about personal hygiene, and had change for a dollar. But I too doubted the computer. No longer, Al. The computer can be your friend. Especially on those long nights when your wife isn't talking to you 'cause she can't fold a stinking napkin.
- Kelly Bundy: Call 'who' Ishmael?
- Al: Ah, me. Look, Kelly, we have a million dollar computer sitting over here, why don't you do your report on it?
- Kelly Bundy: I tried. I turned it on and I typed in "Ishmael". You know what it said to me, Dad? Ishmael. It even spelled it wrong.
- Al: This computer cost me a fortune. Now, I don't plan to watch our money go down the drain like I did with the stove and the refrigerator and our marriage certificate. Now as I slowly sink into bankrupcy, I want to have a memory. So, I want you to do something - ANYTHING - with that computer.
- Peggy: [scene flips. The computer now sits on a desk of its own and is accompanied by a printer and a phone] There. You happy, Al?
- Al: [sarcastically] Yeah, couldn't be happier.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, God! Remedial Reading test tomorrow. I mean, what do I care if Jack and Jill fell down a hall? I mean, why were they even in the building?
- Kelly Bundy: I've got this book report. Um, do you know who Ishmael is?
- Bud Bundy: Moby Dick?
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, you know it?
- Bud Bundy: The classic whaling tale by Herman Melville. I know just about everything there is. What do you need to know.
- Kelly Bundy: What happens?
- Bud Bundy: Lets see, Ishmael and the whale were actually good friends and the whale would talk.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, cool!
- Bud Bundy: Yup, the whale would call him Wilbur.
- Marcy: Al, what you're overlooking is all the things this model can do. This is a muscle machine. It's fully loaded: it has a 3600 baud modem, a VGA high-resolution color monitor, a 40 megabyte harddisk, and 7 megabytes of RAM. Steve, it's the you of computers.
- Steve: You ain't just whistlin' IBM, baby.
- Computer: Me and my kind are really of no use to a regular family. I'm the Pet Rock of the '80s, buddy.
- Al Bundy: [Buck is bringing Al's slippers down the stairs] Finally, someone who knows who the real master of this house is.
- [Buck walks past Al and gives the slippers to the computer]
- Peggy Bundy: I don't even know how to use it. I don't even know why we need it. All I know is I want it.
- Kelly Bundy: Dad, I've got this book report due in um, oh God, what do you call it? The subject with the words?
- Al Bundy: English?
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah