Married... with Children (TV Series)

The Weaker Sex (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : [after reading how Peg has beaten up a mugger in the newspaper]  Jefferson, don't you understand the problem? If this gets around town, people are gonna start thinking I'm a nerd!

  Jefferson : Well, technically, Al, you're not smart enough to be a nerd. No, no, you're more of a pantywaist or a limp-wristed sissy boy.

• Kelly : [Kelly is giving Al relationship advice]  Daddy, if you want Mom to give up the self defense class, you need to take her out.

  Al : Don't you think I would have tried that a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it?

  Kelly : No, I mean on a date. Try something nice; romantic movies always work for me.

  Bud : A Happy Meal and a 'Hello Kitty' pencil always works for you.

• Peggy : [Peg has gone to the restroom at a sleazy bar]  Al; why does it say on the wall 'For a good time' call our house?

  Al : I don't know, Peg. I've never had a good time there.

• Peggy Bundy : Al, guess what.

  Al Bundy : You got your black belt in Nag Fu.

• Al Bundy : I won the Shoetucky Derby!

  Griff : But I was ahead. Did you cheat?

  Al Bundy : Is this the face of a cheater?

  Griff : Am I gonna have to check that surveillance camera again?

  Al Bundy : Oh alright. I cheated... and I ate your lunch... drank your vanilla shake.

  Griff : Al, that was Kaopectate.

  Al Bundy : Still, the best lunch I've had in years.

• Al Bundy : You gotta understand, when I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.

• Thunder : Your wife's a tacky, chocolate-snarfin', couch-butted, beehive-headed parasite.

  Al Bundy : No one calls my wife a tacky, chocolate-snarfin', couch-butted, beehive-headed parasite, who snores louder than a logging mill.

• Al Bundy : Will you look at those karate cows hoofing it over to self-defense class.

  Griff : Or as they call it, Taekwondonut.

• Kelly Bundy : Why don't you take Mom to go see 'The Bridges of Madison County'? Now, I heard there's a new director's cut with 11 extra minutes of Clint Eastwood sponge-bathing Meryl Streep.

  Al Bundy : Is there no other way?

  Kelly Bundy : Well, you could make love to her all night.

• Al Bundy : You wanna kick me while I'm down, Pumpkin?

  Kelly Bundy : No, that's Mom's job.

• Al Bundy : Uh, look here, uh... Miranda. If you really want some film at 11, why don't you follow me down to the brewery. I'll tie a bowling ball to my ankle, dive in a vat of beer. I'll leave this world the same way I entered my marriage, DEAD DRUNK!