- Al: [after reading how Peg has beaten up a mugger in the newspaper] Jefferson, don't you understand the problem? If this gets around town, people are gonna start thinking I'm a nerd!
- Jefferson: Well, technically, Al, you're not smart enough to be a nerd. No, no, you're more of a pantywaist or a limp-wristed sissy boy.
- Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: This is the bravest thing this reporter has seen since Bill said, "Hillary, I beg to differ".
- Kelly: [Kelly is giving Al relationship advice] Daddy, if you want Mom to give up the self defense class, you need to take her out.
- Al: Don't you think I would have tried that a long time ago if I thought I could get away with it?
- Kelly: No, I mean on a date. Try something nice; romantic movies always work for me.
- Bud: A Happy Meal and a 'Hello Kitty' pencil always works for you.
- Al Bundy: I won the Shoetucky Derby!
- Griff: But I was ahead. Did you cheat?
- Al Bundy: Is this the face of a cheater?
- Griff: Am I gonna have to check that surveillance camera again?
- Al Bundy: Oh alright. I cheated... and I ate your lunch... drank your vanilla shake.
- Griff: Al, that was Kaopectate.
- Al Bundy: Still, the best lunch I've had in years.
- Al Bundy: You gotta understand, when I felt that hairy hand go in my pocket, I naturally assumed it was Peg.
- Kelly Bundy: Why don't you take Mom to go see 'The Bridges of Madison County'? Now, I heard there's a new director's cut with 11 extra minutes of Clint Eastwood sponge-bathing Meryl Streep.
- Al Bundy: Is there no other way?
- Kelly Bundy: Well, you could make love to her all night.
- Al Bundy: Uh, look here, uh... Miranda. If you really want some film at 11, why don't you follow me down to the brewery. I'll tie a bowling ball to my ankle, dive in a vat of beer. I'll leave this world the same way I entered my marriage, DEAD DRUNK!
- Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: Tell me, Mrs. Bundy, has your husband always been more Lois than Clark?