- Bud: [to Al] You can't win! You're ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now a Weenie Tot employee! We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!
- Al Bundy: A want the joint account. You know, the one where the checks say Mrs. Peggy Bundy and the unnamed shoe salesman.
- Peggy Bundy: That was supposed to be a joke. I had no idea they would actually put that on the checks. But at least they left out the witless part.
- Al Bundy: ...What's a Weenie Tot? Peg. A Weenie Tot is a delicious little hot-dog-type meat, wrapped in a breaded shell, and deep-fried in pure lard. Aside from being 98.7% additives and preservatives, it's Nature's perfect food!
- Peggy Bundy: ...Look, Al! Weenie Tot is having a "Scratch N' Sniff Sweepstakes". If your box-top smells like a weenie, you win $50 thousand! Oh, Al, let's open them all and see if we've won.
- [She starts to tear open the first box]
- Al Bundy: Peg! No...! Read the label.
- Peggy Bundy: [reading] "No nutritional value..."
- Al Bundy: Not that part! Keep reading.
- Peggy Bundy: [reading on] "Results of prolonged consumption by laboratory animals include..."
- Al Bundy: *Never mind that!* Skip ahead to the fine print.
- [She squints and produces a magnifying glass before continuing]
- Peggy Bundy: "EPA Warning: Do not expose Weenie Tots to air. Will accelerate disintegration process, and may compromise atmospheric breathability. Enjoy!" Al, how are we gonna know if we won?
- Al Bundy: Well, I can tell you that: We're Bundys. We couldn't have... Now, Peg, I've got a year supply of my favorite mock-food here. It, like me, is highly unstable.
- Peggy Bundy: Al, if you don't want me to touch them, just say "Don't touch them."
- Al Bundy: DON'T TOUCH THEM.
- Peggy Bundy: Then I won't.
- [an hour later, she has opened and scratched and sniffed the entire truckload of Weenie Tots - which have been reduced to noxious dust - when Al returns home]
- Al Bundy: Smells like rat-droppings in here.
- [aghast]
- Al Bundy: Oh, no! *Woman, what have you done!* My Tots! *My Tots!* My Weenies have been exposed! *You've disintegrated my Tots!*
- Peggy Bundy: Al, we didn't win!
- Al Bundy: WIN, SCHMIN; LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY TOTS!