- [Bud and Kelly are still harassing Jerry Mathers at Foodies]
- The Beaver: Look, here's 50 cents. It's all I have. Now please leave me alone.
- Bud: Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Throughly Pathetic Tour '91"?
- The Beaver: Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.
- [Shamed, Bud and Kelly slink off]
- The Beaver: Golly, that felt good.
- [Bud and Kelly are harassing Jerry Mathers at Foodie's]
- Bud: Can you settle a bet between me and my sister? She says you frittered away all your money on booze and cheap women. I say donuts and cheap booze.
- The Beaver: Gimme a quarter or just go away.
- Kelly: [Beaver is having a breakdown in Foodie'] Who is this blubbering mess?
- Bud: I don't know; I think he used to be Opie.
- The Beaver: Opie was Ron Howard, you fool; I was, no, I am the Beaver!
- Boy: [Walking up to the Beaver] Can I have your autograph, Opie?
- The Beaver: [Looks around] Okay, that'll be two dollars; in advance.
- The Beaver: Ladies and gentlemen, it's certainly a pleasure to be here at Foodies, the store with great food, and super-low prices...
- [breaks down]
- The Beaver: Oh, merciful heavens, won't somebody please shoot me! Somebody, please, just put a bullet through the Old Beav's head!
- Peggy: Oh, Al, look at him. He's brought so much pleasure to so many. Can't you get him a job at the shoe store?
- Al: That's all I need, Peg. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you.
- [Peggy is racing down an aisle with the supermarket cart with the plastic bull's head and butcher knifes as fake horns on the front of the cart at full speed unknowingly right towards Al]
- Peggy: Hold on, Al! I'm coming!
- Al: No, stop Peg! The contest is over! It's over! We did it! We won!
- [Peggy, not hearing Al, continues running right towards him as Al sees the knifes on the front of the cart about to hit him]
- Al: [beat; accepting his fate] Oh well... I married her.
- [Al gets impaled by the knifes on the cart]
- The Beaver: [Jerry Mathers is emceeing the Foodie's shopping contest] And remember, the winner gets a $1000 shopping spree; which, incidentally is more than I am getting for this gig. Can it be true? Isn't there room on Match Game PM for another washed up celebrity? Am I truly lower than *Charles Nelson Reilly*?
- Peggy: What if we really do win that $1000 worth of groceries? Then what do we do?
- Al: Well Peg, I saw on 60 Minutes where some people found with food actually cook it up and eat it. I've never seen Morley so shaken.
- Peggy: So I was right. I'm not the winner in this at all. You get all the food and the glory, and I just get endless hours standing in front of the big hot thing.
- Al: No Peg, that's the stove. You're the big hot thing.