- Bart Maverick: Marla, I hope you fully realize that, uh, Pearly Gates got that nickname from the phony tiepin he wears, not from his chances of ever meeting Saint Peter.
- Bart Maverick: [narrating] Happy Honeymoon didn't just finish last. He was so far behind he wouldn't even have won the next race.
- Bart Maverick: Well, it's been a real education losing to you. Four kings and each one of 'em marked with this. Here, see for yourself. You can feel the impression.
- Luke Harper: That ring is an heirloom. It's been in the family three generations.
- Bart Maverick: That only proves, Mr. Harper, that your grandfather was as crooked as you.
- [first lines]
- Bart Maverick: [narrating] My old Pappy used to say, "A man should stick to what he knows." Well, if I had remembered his advice that day in New Orleans, I'd have a smile on my face instead of looking like a pallbearer at my own funeral.
- [last lines]
- Pearly Gates: Madam. May I present myself. I'm, uh, Colonel Silver, importer of jewelry, perfume, and other ladies niceties. I hope that on this trip we become better acquainted, because I think...