- [first lines]
- [Beau walks into an empty saloon, finds the bartender snoring behind the bar and wakes him up]
- Beauregarde Maverick: Doctor Livingston, I presume.
- Hank: [yawning] Excuse me, the name's Hank.
- Beauregarde Maverick: Well, Hank, what happened to Virginia City? I've never seen it so empty.
- Hank: Yeah, this place hasn't been as empty as this since Eta Lincoln played McGuire's Theater... in tights.
- Beauregarde Maverick: Who's not wearing what today?
- Hank: Oh, no, it ain't that. Kizia Bouchet is staging a prize fight for the heavy-weight championship.
- [last lines]
- [fire alarm goes off while Kiz is kissing Beau]
- Kiz Bouchet: Oh... you made me miss my fire engine. Oh.
- Beauregarde Maverick: Here, take mine.
- [Beau lifts Kiz onto his horse and mounts behind her]
- Kiz Bouchet: Look at that fire engine! Hurry, Beau!
- Clement Samuels: I always knew the best way to sneak up on a place unobserved is to come roaring in on a fire engine.
- Beauregarde Maverick: What do you have against the bartender, Brother Samuels?
- Clement Samuels: His credit policy towards members of the press is extremely narrow.
- Beauregarde Maverick: You know, I'm not very good at saving other people's lives. I barely manage to hold onto my own.
- Hank: She inherited her unhinged ideas from her old man, along with two million dollars.
- Beauregarde Maverick: With that kind of money, you're not unhinged. You're eccentric.
- Beauregarde Maverick: Would, uh, $100 make a difference?
- Ticket Taker: Not when I've turned down $1,000.