Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger (2002)

Jason Gray-Stanford: Lieutenant Randy Disher

Quotes 

• [Disher takes off in pursuit of a streaker] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : We have a suspect, male Caucasian.

  Officer : What's he wearing?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Grey sneakers!

  Officer : Any other details?

  Lt. Randall Disher : He's not Jewish!

• Lt. Randall Disher : So, what's the plan?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant's voice.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Reasonably sure.

  [turns to Mrs. Mass] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?

  Wendy Maas : No, I like classical.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Okay. Good. Bring him in.

• Processing guard : [SPOILER] 

  [a processing guard releases the streaker from jail] 

  Processing guard : Lady Godiva, it's your lucky day. Somebody made your bail. Lucky.

  [the next day, Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in the park, watching Wendy Maas] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What's she doing here?

  Adrian Monk : I-I asked her to meet me.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, do you mind telling me why?

  Adrian Monk : You'll see. Just wait.

  [the streaker is about to jog by. Stottlemeyer spots him and is visibly angered to find that he's been released] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Sone of a bitch. He's back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black and white down here ASAP.

  Adrian Monk : Captain, not so fast.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What are you talking about?

  Adrian Monk : I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.

  Lt. Randall Disher : You hired the streaker? To do what?

  [Ms. Mass turns to look at the streaker as he passes by her] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Son of a bitch.

  [Ms. Maas chuckles as the streaker run away] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : She can see.

  Lt. Randall Disher : She can see?

  Adrian Monk : She can see.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Son of a bitch.

• [Monk, Sharona, Stottlemeyer and Disher are in Stottlemeyer's office] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Close the door.

  [Randy closes the door] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It's from the surveillance camera near the crime scene.

  [Randy presses play on the tape] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : The alley's a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn't opened.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : The bottom line: we can tell for sure who was or was not there.

  [Monk pretends playing the clarinet] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What the hell are you doing?

  [Monk signals to Stottlemeyer to wait a minute] 

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, uh, he's practicing.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Really?

  Sharona Fleming : Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead.

  [Randy presses play on the tape. We see Mrs. Mass pass by the camera as she enters the alleyway on the tape] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley.

  [Sonny Cross passes by the camera] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross.

  [Willie Nelson comes running into the alleyway on the tape] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.

  Sharona Fleming : Are you gonna arrest him?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : D.A.'s ready to move. I'm waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow.

  [turns to Randy] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We're gonna be on the 6:00 news.

  Adrian Monk : Captain, what about the note on the door?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.

  Adrian Monk : I don't know.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-Headed Stranger.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : "A" or "B", Monk?

  Adrian Monk : I think it's "C".

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : "C"? What the hell is "C"?

  Adrian Monk : I don't know yet.

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [after a streaker goes by]  What the hell was that?

  Lt. Randall Disher : That was a streaker, sir.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What is this, 1974?

• Lt. Randall Disher : Say hello to Sonny Cross. We found this on the front door.

  [Shows the note "J. Cross - Use Side Door" from the front door] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : To lure him into the alley.

  Sharona Fleming : What does the "J" stand for?

  Lt. Randall Disher : His legal name was Jason Cross. Look at this.

  [he uncovers the sheet covering the body] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Shot one, through the collarbone. Shot two, straight in the back while he was running away. We have a witness, Monk, who heard Willie Nelson and Cross arguing just before the shots were fired. We found the gun over there behind the Dumpster. It's a Webley, a Mark I, .38-caliber. No prints.

  Adrian Monk : An old Webley?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Yes. We can rule out a mugging.

  [Monk puts his left arm forward then outstretches both of his arms and flaps them like a bird] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : What's he doing?

  Sharona Fleming : What are you doing?

  Adrian Monk : The bullet hole in the jacket lines up with the entry wound.

  Lt. Randall Disher : So?

  Adrian Monk : Well, you said they were arguing, but if he was animated, if his hands were up or he was gesturing, then the holes wouldn't match up. No, this man had his hands down at his sides. And he-he wasn't frightened either. He-you say there was an eyewitness?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, not exactly an eyewitness.

  [points at Wendy Maas] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Her name's Wendy Mass. She's been blind since she was 16. She lives in one of those assisted living places up on Mountain View.

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, my God. I know her. I've seen her in the park.

  Adrian Monk : That's your witness?

  Lt. Randall Disher : She said she heard the whole thing.

• [Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Willie Nelson?

  Jody - Band Member #1 : I'm Willie Nelson.

  Bee - Band Member #2 : I'm Willie Nelson.

  Mickey - Band Member #3 : I'm Willie Nelson.

  Willie Nelson : Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.

• Police spokesman : As you know, Willie Hugh Nelson was arrested at 10:15 last night. He will be indicted in Judge Hackman's courtroom tomorrow. Captain Stottlemeyer was the arresting officer and will be happy to answer any of your questions. Captain.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Thank you, Jeff. First of all, I would like to thank the members of my department who have been investigating this case. They've done an outstanding job.

  Reporter #1 : Captain, how strong is your case against Willie Nelson? We would not have authorized this arrest unless we were certain that we have all the facts for the district attorney to successfully prosecute this case.

  [the same streaker from before runs by] 

  Reporter #1 : Oh! Get a shot of that.

  Streaker : Hey, hi!

  [Stottlemeyer turns and whispers to Randy] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : For the love of-I want him. Go, go! Get him!

  [Randy and the other cops take off after the streaker. Stottlemeyer turns back to the cameras and fakes a laugh] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : San Francisco. You gotta love it.

  [the streaker keeps on running, with the police hot on his trail] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : We're on foot, heading south towards Prospect.

  Police Dispatcher : Is there a description?

  Lt. Randall Disher : He's wearing gray sneakers.

  Police Dispatcher : Is there anything else?

  Lt. Randall Disher : He's not Jewish!

  Streaker : Come on!

  [He passes a homeless man] 

  Streaker : Excuse me. Oh, yeah. Good boys.

  [a police car blocks the streaker's way] 

  Uniform Cop #1 : All right, hold it right there! Stop! Stop! Stay where you are. All right, we got him.

  [They handcuff the streaker, and Randy speaks on the radio] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Streaker in custody.

• Lt. Randall Disher : Sir, are you ready for this?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What is this? A game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?

  Lt. Randall Disher : The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket: human blood from the victim.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.

  Lt. Randall Disher : The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : 40%?

  Lt. Randall Disher : What do you think?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Forty-eight percent.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Voice I.D.?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Fifteen percent.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Motive?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Twenty.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.

  [Stottlemeyer sighs] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

• [Randy takes Mrs. Mass's statement] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Now, Mrs. Mass, you said you were taking the bus.

  Wendy Maas : That's right, I was visiting a friend, and-and I missed my stop. I never like to admit it, but it happens. So I got off, and I started to walk. Then I turned down that alley, thinking that I could cut through to 4th Avenue, but it was blocked off.

  [Monk starts to obsess over the unevenly sharpened pencils] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, the alley was a dead...

  Sharona Fleming : Oh, yeah. There was construction. Uh-huh. It's a dead-end.

  Wendy Maas : Dead end. Exactly. So, I started to turn around, and then I heard these two men arguing.

  Adrian Monk : Uh, about what?

  Wendy Maas : I couldn't tell.

  [Monk goes over to the pencil holder and starts to sharpen the three pencils so that they are all sharpened to the same length] 

  Wendy Maas : They were very angry. And then I heard these two shots-Bang. Bang. Well, my heart was pounding and I couldn't move. Then this one man came up to me and he said- "Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you."

  Sharona Fleming : Adrian.

  [Stottlemeyer arrives with his right arm in a sling] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : How's it going?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Miss Mass, this is Captain Stottlemeyer.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Mrs. Mass, how do you do?

  [She gently shakes his left hand] 

  Lt. Randall Disher : He'll be in charge of the case from here on in, thank God.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Good job, Lieutenant.

• [Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : This investigation is open and ongoing. We have at least one witness, and there is some physical evidence, which is being analyzed as we speak.

  Reporter #1 : Captain, is Willie Nelson a suspect?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : We haven't ruled out anybody as of yet. That's all I can say.

  Reporter #2 : Has Mr. Nelson made a statement?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Mr. Nelson has been very cooperative. He's agreed to stay in town and remain available to us at our discretion. Now, I-I wanna stress this again. We have not accused or charged anyone of this crime.

  [a streaker runs by behind them] 

  Streaker : Whoo-hoo!

  [the reporters laugh and applause. The streaker runs away, but slips and falls on the ground] 

  Streaker : Whoo!

  [the reporters walk over to him] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What the hell was that?

  Lt. Randall Disher : That was a streaker, sir.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : What is this, 1974?

  [Reporters take pictures of the runaway streaker] 

  Streaker : Oh, yeah!

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : [chuckles]  Well, if there are no further questions-We'll be going. Thank you.