The Muppet Show (TV Series)

Connie Stevens (1977)

Frank Oz: Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Mildred, Bert, Whatnot Dancer

Quotes 

• Fozzie : Hey, that Gonzo is SO dumb, he just heard that we're running short of water, so he wants us to dilute it!

• Kermit the Frog : Oh, er, Piggy. Have you met Lydia?

  Miss Piggy : No. Have you met my left fist?

• Hilda : Gonzo I categorically, absolutely refuse to repair that teddy bear!

  The Great Gonzo : Can I take that to mean maybe? Come on, Hilda, what do you say?

  Hilda : I say that bear is the worst thing I have ever seen in this theatre. Why not get rid of him?

  Fozzie : The bear is the worst thing she's ever seen in this theatre? My whole life is flashing before my eyes.

• Ernie : Thank you, thank you, thank you. Gee, it's really great to be here. Right, Bert?

  Bert : Ah, I guess so.

  Ernie : Oh, what's wrong, Bert?

  Bert : Well, I mean, I feel funny being here, this is a big TV variety show, you know?

  Ernie : So?

  Bert : I'm no performer.

  Ernie : Oh, Bert. A suave, sophisticated showman like you, Bert?

  Bert : Oh, sure, sure. I know you. You're gonna keep on saying I'm suave and sophisticated, and then when I start to believe it, then you're gonna say how pointy head I have, and how floppy arms I have, and how dull I am, I know you.

  Ernie : Bert, you must admit, though, Bert, that the head up there is a little bit pointy, Bert. And you must admit that the arms are a little bit floppy and soggy, Bert. And Bert?

  [pulls off Bert's nose] 

  Ernie : The nose is still loose Bert.

  Bert : Cut that out!

  Ernie : Oh, I'm sorry, Bert, here. There you go, Bert.

  [puts Bert's nose back on his face] 

  Bert : See what I mean? I mean that old loose-nose joke is funny on Sesame Street, but this is big-time, Ernie. I mean they're expecting an act or something.

  Ernie : Hey, Bert, wait a minute. You can do an act. All you need are the clothes Bert. Come over here, Bert! Step right here, Bert!

  [Ernie dresses Bert up in a tuxedo] 

• Ernie : And here he is now, that suave and sophisticated showman. My old buddy Bert. Well Bert, what do you say?

  Bert : Some Enchanted Evening.

  Ernie : I beg your pardon, Bert?

  Bert : You may see a stranger.

  Ernie : What's going on here?

  Bert : You may a stranger across a crowded room/And somehow you'll know, you know even then/That somewhere you'll see her again and again/Who can explain it? Who can tell you why?/Fools give you reasons/Wise men never try.

  [Connie Stevens emerges and begins dancing with him] 

  Bert : Oh, Connie... Once you have found her never let her go/Once you have found her never let her go.

• The Great Gonzo : [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear]  Don't tell me you don't like him either?

  Kermit the Frog : What's there to like, Gonzo? That bear is the worst! I say, let's get rid of him, OK?

  The Great Gonzo : But he's a nice bear. I don't care if he is moldy-looking. I like him.

  Fozzie : [thinking they are talking about him]  Did you hear? Only Gonzo likes me. And he thinks I'm moldy!

• Fozzie : Goodbye, Mr. Frog.

  Kermit the Frog : Hey Fozzie, where are you going?

  Fozzie : Oh, I been hearing what they've been saying about the old bear. I'm going home. I'm leaving the show business.

  The Great Gonzo : [talking about his Teddy Bear]  Kermit, if the bear goes. I go.

  Fozzie : [thinking Gonzo is talking about him]  Gonzo, I never realized. What loyalty? OK, the ball is in your court, frog!

  Kermit the Frog : a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it! Listen Fozzie. When you heard people say they didn't want the bear around here, they were referring to Gonzo's teddy bear. Not to you.

  Fozzie : Teddy bear? Then you mean you really want me to stay?

  Kermit the Frog : Of course I want you to stay on the show. You're a star. You're a legend in your own time.

  [aside to camera] 

  Kermit the Frog : Am I laying it on a little too sick?

  Fozzie : I don't know what to say except that if you the frog want me the bear to stay, then I'll just have to have a raise.

  Kermit the Frog : What?

  Fozzie : And I'll need a bigger dressing room, and a limousine...

  Kermit the Frog : Will you get out of here, Fozzie!

  Fozzie : Thank you, Sir. Thank you, thank you.

  The Great Gonzo : Well like I was saying Kermit, if the bear goes, the Gonzo goes.

  Kermit the Frog : OK, you can stay, the teddy bear can stay, both bears can stay, the Gonzo can stay. Sometimes the crown weighs rather heavy on this little froggy head.

• Scooter : [talking about Gonzo's teddy bear]  What do I think of the bear? Why, he's funny. No, no, really. Every time I look at him, he makes me wanna laugh and laugh and laugh. I think he's just great.

  The Great Gonzo : Well, I'm glad you like him. Kermit says it's a disgrace to have him around and we oughta get a new one.

  Scooter : Yeah, well, that'd be nice, too!

  Fozzie : [thinking they are talking about him]  The bear can barely bear it, folks.

• Bert : Ernie? Ernie, come here... did I just make a complete fool of myself?

  Ernie : [patting Bert's shoulder]  Absolutely, Bert.

  Bert : Take me home. I feel terrible.

• Animal : [dancing with a Female Whatnot]  One, two, three, dip!

  [throws the Whatnot to the floor] 

• Fozzie : I've had it! Now that I know what people think of me here, I'm leaving the show.

  The Great Gonzo : Hi, Scooter.

  Scooter : Hi, Gonz.

  The Great Gonzo : Say, I'm curious. What do you think of him?

  [referring to his teddy bear] 

  Fozzie : [thinking they are talking about him]  Listen! They're taking about me. Well, I will not listen!