- [to Ash, as they are driving to the scene of a murder]
- DS Emma 'Scribbs' Scribbins: Dead estate agent. At least something's gone all right today.
- [Ash and Scribbs want to question Jeremy Stamford, about the murder of his colleague Phil Jakes]
- Jeremy Stamford: I'd love to talk to you but I'm stressfully busy at the moment. Waiting for some important clients, Mr and Mrs R Sole.
- [he suddenly realises that the name spells Arsehole and that this is a prank by Phil]
- Jeremy Stamford: Shit! Shit! Bloody bastard! Bloody hell!
- [talking about a murder suspect whose house they have just left]
- Scribbs: Phew! It's a relief to be out in the fresh air.
- Ash: Scribbs, you're all heart. Well, she's bereaved and she's moving - that's about as stressful as it gets.
- Scribbs: She's odd.
- Ash: True. Shocking carpets.
- Scribbs: Not *technically* a criminal offence.
- Ash: Well, it should be.
- [talking about a murder victim]
- Ash: D'you want to know what Pennyless Phil was doing online all Monday afternoon?
- Scribbs: Does it involve women with large breasts?
- Ash: You know, your insight into the male psyche never fails to amaze me. He was on Hot Girlz with a Z for two-and-a-half hours, then on the football results of course, and then back to the Hot Girlz chatroom for 20 minutes.
- Scribbs: Those online relationships really stand the test of time.