Never the Twain (TV Series)

Families at War (1981)

Donald Sinden: Simon Peel

Photos 

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Quotes 

• [Simon has lit a bonfire to blow smoke over Oliver's garden] 

  David Peel : Dad, aren't you being a bit juvenile?

  Simon Peel : Certainly not. It's a privilege of middle age. Only children aren't allowed to be juvenile.

• [David and Simon are discussing how Oliver will get his revenge] 

  David Peel : He'd probably play his violin with the window open

  Simon Peel : Oh, no, Lucifer cured him of that, didn't you Lucifer. Jumped in and lept on him. Thought it was a mating call.

• Simon Peel : Yesterday he had his radio blaring in the garden. Well, I didn't lose my temper, no, no, I just telephoned him a little later on and politely asked him not to do it again.

  David Peel : Yes, at 4 o'clock in the morning!

  Simon Peel : He hardly needed a phone, you could hear him swearing from here!

• [David and his father are discussing Oliver] 

  David Peel : You've got such a lot in common. Same line of business, about the same age.

  Simon Peel : He's a bombastic windbag!

  David Peel : Well, there's that, too!

• Simon Peel : There's a great deal of difference between antiques and junk.

  David Peel : Yes, it depends whether you're buying or selling!

• Simon Peel : One day, I hope you'll be keeping my account books.

  David Peel : Which set?

• [while visiting an auction room, Oliver has picked up a blunderbus when Simon arrives] 

  Simon Peel : [examining the blunderbuss]  Uhm. Lot 27. Not really suitable for your shop, you know. That's genuine!

  Oliver Smallbridge : Well, well, Peel. Fancy meeting you here, and me with an unloaded gun!

  [Oliver puts the blunderbus down] 

  Simon Peel : I didn't expect to see you here. There's no sign of your horse and cart outside!

• Simon Peel : [walking towards an open chest and picking up an African Tribal mask]  This would suit you perfectly. Every home should have one - a family portrait!

  [Simon hands the mask to Oliver and walks away, just as the auctioneer appears] 

  Auctioneer : [Iidicating the mask]  I'll let you have that cheap, governor, fiver, on account it's *supposed* to have a curse on it.

  Oliver Smallbridge : Curse? Can you deliver it?

  Auctioneer : Certainly.

  Oliver Smallbridge : [handing the mask to the Auctioneer]  Done - to Simon Peel!

• Auctioneer : Lot 12, A Chinese vase.

  Simon Peel : [looks around]  30 pounds.

  Oliver Smallbridge : 40.

  Simon Peel : 50.

  Oliver Smallbridge : 60.

  Simon Peel : You're wasting your time, you know. Its a fake.

  [Simon turns towards the Auctioneer] 

  Simon Peel : 70.

  Oliver Smallbridge : 80.

  Simon Peel : 90.

  Oliver Smallbridge : 100.

  Auctioneer : 100.

  Simon Peel : You're just trying to be difficult. 150.

  Oliver Smallbridge : 200 pounds.

  Auctioneer : 200 pounds I'm bid now. Any advance on 200? Going for 200.

  [bangs gavel] 

  Auctioneer : Gone. Sold, Smallbridge. Give it to him.

  Oliver Smallbridge : [taking the vase in his hands]  Don't feel too badly about it, Peel. You can't win em all.

  Simon Peel : No, but you can win some of them.

  [Simon points to the vase] 

  Simon Peel : You know, considering that it *is* a fake, I didn't think I'd get such a good price for it.

• Simon Peel : It's just that it seems like only yesterday that I was taking you on my knee and telling you about the birds and the bees.

  David Peel : It *was* only yesterday - it was very embarrassing!

• [Simon has answered his phone, to find Oliver on the other end] 

  Oliver Smallbridge : Tell that boy of yours to stop it at once.

  Simon Peel : [looks towards David]  Eating peanuts?

  Oliver Smallbridge : Mucking around with my girl.

  Simon Peel : Now, look here, Smallbridge

  [David moves away from the sofa and out of shot] 

  Simon Peel : I hardly think you're in a pos... now, just a minute. Your daughter and my...

  [looks up, to find David has left the room] 

  Simon Peel : David.

  Oliver Smallbridge : They want to get married.

  Simon Peel : Married?

  Oliver Smallbridge : If we don't put a stop to it, we'll be related.

  Simon Peel : Oh my god, they'll have children, they'll look like you!

  Oliver Smallbridge : [Glaris at the phone, before putting the reciver back against his ear]  There's nothing else for it, we'll have to meet.

  Simon Peel : Yes, I suppose, well, you'd better come round here.

  Oliver Smallbridge : Not likely. You'll set that cat on me. You come round here under a flag of truce.

  Simon Peel : That's what you said last time. You ambushed me with a lawn sprinkler.

• Simon Peel : We'd better try to be civilised about this. It's an emergency, and there's no point in trying to score childish points off each other.

  [lays a sheet of newspaper on a nearby chair] 

  Simon Peel : Do sit down.

  Oliver Smallbridge : [sits on the newspaper, and looks around]  Not a bad bit of furniture. If you're thinking of selling, I'd give you a balloon for it.

  Simon Peel : I didn't know you were interested in antiques.

  [moves to the drinks cabinet] 

  Simon Peel : We must try to keep this as painless as possible. Scotch?

  Oliver Smallbridge : Well, I won't say no - providing you taste it first.

• Oliver Smallbridge : We've got to tackle this problem with a bit of subtlety - why don't you move to Australia?

  Simon Peel : I wouldn't get a good price for the house, not when people saw the neighbours.

• Simon Peel : You could try dropping a few hints to your daughter - it's a fun life as a modern day nun.

  Oliver Smallbridge : What about your son?

  Simon Peel : He's too tall to be a nun.

• Simon Peel : I notice you don't mind being called a crook.

  Oliver Smallbridge : Well, I've never denied being an antique dealer. The only difference between me and you is you cock your little finger every time you pick their pockets.

  Simon Peel : I run an honest business.

  Oliver Smallbridge : What? You'll be telling me you pay V.A.T. next.

  Simon Peel : I said honest, not simple minded!

• Oliver Smallbridge : I started at the bottom, you need brains there.

  Simon Peel : Well, your brains are in your bottom!

• Oliver Smallbridge : What about Lyn? The apple of my eye, the girl I refuse nothing to?

  Lyn Smallbridge : [opening the door]  Can I come in?

  Oliver Smallbridge : No.

  Simon Peel : This is my house. I decide who can come in.

  Lyn Smallbridge : [entering the room]  So can I?

  Simon Peel : No.

• Simon Peel : I refuse to have Smallbridge genes in my house.

  Lyn Smallbridge : I'll wear a skirt.

  [Simon and Oliver look down, and burst out laughing] 

• David Peel : [while Simon and Oliver are preparing drinks]  How did you get them to agree?

  Lyn Smallbridge : Well, I told them that we love each other, and that they were being unreasonable, and, I also told them a little white lie...

  Oliver Smallbridge : [handing drinks to David and Lyn]  Here's to my grandchild.

  Simon Peel : Here's to *my* grandchild, and the happy mother and father to be.

  [David looks at Lyn, and drops his glass]