- Gerry Standing: Listen to this.
- [reading a memo]
- Gerry Standing: "All the constituents of UCOS over the age of fifty are requested to undergo routine physical and psychological evaluation on the fifteenth of the month to ensure compliance and capability to operate within the parameters of their defining role."
- [passes memo to Brian]
- Gerry Standing: They're taking the piss!
- PC Clark: Not yet, but they certainly will be. Three hundred millilitres minimum.
- Superintendent Sandra Pullman: [Pullman has caught PC Clarke acting as Tea Boy] Hang on! I thought we had an understanding not using Clarke as a tea boy.
- Jack Halford: It was just a one-off.
- Brian Lane: [Brian enters] Well, you wouldn't make it a two-off, would you, son? I'm parched.
- Superintendent Sandra Pullman: All right, make it a three-off. Coffee, please.
- [Gerry walks in, and spots the tray Clark is holding]
- Gerry Standing: Whoa! Chocolate biscuits! Here, get us a cup of tea, son.
- Sandra Pullman: So, this, um... this physical and psychological evaluation my boys are undertaking the day after tomorrow?
- Donald Bevan: Yeah, what about it?
- Sandra Pullman: Well, they suspect that it might be someone trying to rip the guts out of UCOS, perhaps even close it down completely.
- Donald Bevan: Ah, your clear-up rate is embarrassing some people, Sandra. Your success now questions their competence then. I mean, you only want to review some of the cases you've cracked. You've put special branch's nose out of joint by revealing they had a mole inside New Labour; you've exposed police racism; very nearly destroyed a prestigious golf club, ruining the reputation of a war hero into the bargain. Some establishment toes are feeling distinctly stepped upon.
- Sandra Pullman: Not my problem.
- Donald Bevan: You never were very good at the politics, Sandra.
- Sandra Pullman: With all due respect, sir, that's like criticizing someone for not being a very good arsehole.
- Asst. Commissioner Bob Mullen: SO-10 is a completely different world than UCOS. All the villains are still out there just waiting to be caught.
- Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Including Martin Lombard. If you're right.
- Asst. Commissioner Bob Mullen: If we couldn't break him back then with a crack squad, I fail to see how you will now with Dad's Army.
- Brian Lane: Dodgy case. Jostered evidence. Quiet words from on high. Surprise evaluations. Broken air conditioning, making the office an impossible place to work. If this isn't a conspiracy to close us once and for all, JFK was killed in the conservatory by Colonel Mustard with a length of bloody lead pipe.
- [first lines]
- Christopher Wells: I'm sensing a person go over in tragic circumstances.
- Jack Halford: Is it Mary?
- Christopher Wells: Is your name Mary? No, it's not Mary; it's a girl.
- Jack Halford: A girl?
- Christopher Wells: The girl's... a young woman. She's standing behind you.
- [last lines]
- [about the possibility of Sandra taking a promotion]
- Gerry Standing: She wouldn't, would she? I mean, what's SO-10 got that UCOS hasn't?
- Brian Lane: Well, not us for a start.
- Gerry Standing: [long pause] Nah, she wouldn't.
- PC Clark: I've called maintenance three times. They just say they're looking into it.
- Brian Lane: No, *I'm* looking into it, Clarke. All they're doing is looking into looking into it.