- Judge Harry T. Stone: Any questions?
- Dan Fielding: Just one. How? How did you get appointed to the bench?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office, and it was a Sunday. And my name was at the bottom of a list of a thousand candidates. So they start calling folk, starting at the top of the list, but, you see, it's Sunday so no-one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name; no-one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and... voila.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: You mean you were appointed a judge because...
- Judge Harry T. Stone: I was home.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [to Lana] I own every record Mel Tormé ever made.
- [Lana just stares at him]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: I'm going to marry the girl that's impressed by that.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Thanks a lot for being patient with me tonight; I am new here, you know.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: Yeah, we noticed.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: You know, my name was at the bottom of that list of prospective judges because I haven't had much experience really. But, every candidate does go through a thorough screening process, and whatever anybody thinks of that list, I *was* on it.
- [first lines]
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: The judge will be here any minute. Are you finished painting?
- Painter: [staring out the window] Yeah.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: Well, then, what are you doing?
- Painter: I'm watching the naked couple in the building across the alley; they're fooling around.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: That's depraved.
- Painter: Too soon to tell.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: I meant you. How would you like somebody watching you and your wife doing that?
- Painter: My wife won't do that.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: Out!
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [to courier] Sorry I don't tip. Besides, how do I know you're not the type to go out and spend it on a Barry Manilow album?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: This could go either way.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: Yes!
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Unless...
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: What?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: No, I guess it's got to go either way, don't you think?
- [last lines]
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: About my job...?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Give me one more chance, huh.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: It would be an honor to call you Harry!
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Then it's fortunate I have that name.
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: Any sign of the new judge?
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Not yet. Say, Lana, what's this guy supposed to be like?
- Court Clerk Lana Wagner: I don't know. Our ex-mayor just filled all the vacancies in the court on his last day in office. Nobody knows who was appointed or where they were assigned.
- Bailiff Selma Hacker: I had a husband just like that.
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Oh, yeah?
- Bailiff Selma Hacker: Yeah. I had to shoot *him* too.