- Christine Sullivan: Mr. Phelps, why are you doing this?
- Cyril Phelps: Because, uh, I'm thirty-eight years old...
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [pouring a glass of champagne] Well, so am I!
- Cyril Phelps: And I'm a virgin.
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [lifts the glass] Happy landings.
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: All right, so you're not getting any. Big deal. WHAT ABOUT US GUYS WHO ARE? You jump off this thing, plunge down there, splatter all over the side walk... she
- [pointing to Christine]
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: is going to be very upset... and I'm going to end up playing with the TV remote all night.
- Mr. Freedman: I didn't mean to ruin your evening, it's just, it's just that...
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Mocking the jumper] It's just tha... It's just tha... It's just... Guess what? You can't make up your mind about anything, can you? Well listen, if you're going to stay, stay, if you're going to jump, JUMP.
- Mr. Freedman: Bye.
- [Starts to fall backwards. Dan reaches out, grabs him and pulls him inside]
- Mr. Freedman: Let go of me.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Hey! Hey! This man just saved your life... and now, you got to sleep with him.
- Mr. Freedman: What?
- Cop: All right, spineless, let's go...
- Mr. Freedman: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... I'm in the book.
- Harry Stone: [Reading instructions] Step 1, give a swift blow to the victim's back. Step 2, remove any foreign object from the victim's mouth.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: Step 3, loosen constrictive clothing.
- [All eyes go to Dan]
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Christine looks beneath her coat, and shrieks. Dan pulls out her garments] Better to be safe than sorry.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: [Entering the hotel room] Hello! What's going on?
- Rosalind 'Roz' Russell: The man on the ledge has never had sex.
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson: OH my dear LORD!
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Harold, if you didn't go around telling people, nobody would know.
- Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: [Entering room for the first time] Evening. What's with the virgin in the window?
- [Dan's assignation with Christine is interrupted by a jumper on the balcony]
- Christine Sullivan: What are you doing out there?
- Cyril Phelps: Isn't it obvious? I'm plunging to my death!
- Christine Sullivan: You can't do that!
- Cyril Phelps: Why?
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Yeah, why?
- Christine Sullivan: Dan, you saved my life.
- Harry Stone: Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.
- Christine Sullivan: Dan, how can I possibly repay you?
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: [Initially laughs it off, until...] Sleep with me.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Listen, Dan is just using this as an excuse to hit on you.
- Christine Sullivan: I know that! But he saved my life, Your Honor, he rescued me...
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [dramatically] From the jaws of death moments before an agonizing demise!
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [taps Christine on the shoulder] Miss Sullivan...
- Christine Sullivan: [jumps] Agh, don't touch me!
- Judge Harry T. Stone: [to the crowd] We're trying to get her to switch to decaf.
- Christine Sullivan: I'm sorry, Your Honor, I'm a little bit on edge.
- Judge Harry T. Stone: No, no, no. Lizzie Borden was a little bit on edge. You are downright freaked.
- Christine Sullivan: Dan, I can't sleep with you!
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: I understand. There's no reason you should feel obligated.
- Christine Sullivan: There isn't?
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: No, of course not. I mean, after all, what did I do but... grab you from the jaws of death, moments before an agonizing demise?
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Ow!
- [everyone looks at him]
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, I'm fine, it's okay, never mind. I must have just pulled my back out when I carried Christine's prone, lifeless body to safety.
- Christine Sullivan: In conclusion, Your Honor, I would like to state that even though my client has pleaded guilty... uh... we would like to, uh... request a suspended sentence due to the circumstances... Your Honor! May I request that the prosecutor refrain from ogling me during my closing statements?
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Sustained. Does the prosecutor have anything pertinent to add?
- [Dan lets out a lascivious growl]
- Judge Harry T. Stone: Let the record show the prosecution exhaled wantonly.
- Christine Sullivan: You thought I wasn't old enough to make my own decisions, didn't you? You all thought I needed to be condescended to and chaperoned like a teenage girl, didn't you?
- Court Clerk MacIntosh 'Mac' Robinson, Judge Harry T. Stone, Rosalind 'Roz' Russell, Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon: Yes.
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Who the hell are you?
- Hotel Manager: I'm the hotel manager, sir, with the champaigne you requested.
- Asst. D.A. Dan Fielding: Oh, great, you found it.
- Hotel Manager: Yes, indeed, though it was a difficult task. After all... Chateau Libido... is not one of our usual brands. Shall I unscrew it for you?