Jack Klugman: Oscar Madison

Quotes 

• Felix Unger : [Felix follows Myrna's instructions, and ends up in a greasy spoon dive, down by the docks. Felix calls Myrna to let her know where he is, and that he doesn't see Oscar. All of the sudden, the counterman turns around; it's Oscar. Felix runs over]  Oscar!

  Oscar Madison : [Looks up, at Felix and nervously replies]  My name is Cookie!

  Felix Unger : 'Cookie'?

  Oscar Madison : Whatever it is your want, sir, I'm sure we're out of it, so why don't you leave and never come back, huh?

  Felix Unger : I couldn't believe my eyes. I was on the one, looking straight at you, and I didn't know it was you in a greasy apron. Well, the greasy part I can believe, but...

  [perplexed] 

  Felix Unger : what are your doing here?

  Oscar Madison : It's none of your business, will you get lost, Felix?

  Felix Unger : No - I'm not gonna 'get lost'! *What are you doing here?*

  Oscar Madison : I was walking down the street, this guy stopped me, he says, 'what's the capital of Bolivia', right? I hesitate, and 3 sailors jumped out of an alley, they rap me on the head, they throw me in a bag - next thing I know, I was mixing chicken salad.

  Felix Unger : [Felix just stares at Oscar - dumbfounded]  I don't believe a word of that.

  [He pauses and looks Oscar, up and down] 

  Felix Unger : Everybody knows the capital of Bolivia is La Paz.

  Oscar Madison : See? Just saved a rap on the head!

  Felix Unger : [Still confused]  What are you doing?

  Oscar Madison : Sleep walking?

  Felix Unger : Oscar... *what is this?*

  Oscar Madison : [Meekly]  I have total amnesia...

  [Angrily] 

  Oscar Madison : *who are you, sir?*