- Roseanne Conner: [feeling for the man's pulse] I think he's dead.
- Dan Conner: [steps back] Check again.
- Roseanne Conner: I know how to count to zero.
- Roseanne Conner: [to the corpse] I don't know where you're goin', mister, but if you bump into Janis Joplin, tell her I said hi.
- D.J. Conner: Did the policeman shoot him?
- Roseanne Conner: No honey, he just kind of ran down like when your toys need new batteries.
- Gene the Police Officer: We have to wait for the coroner to officially pronounce him dead.
- Roseanne Conner: I pronounced him dead half an hour ago.
- Darlene Conner: [Darlene can't find her jeans] Well they didn't just get up and walk away.
- Roseanne Conner: Well yours coulda...
- Roseanne Conner: [DJ is about to go out wearing a werewolf mask] You're not goin' noplace lookin' like that. Go upstairs and comb your face.
- Jackie Harris: I think I got Becky feeling better.
- Roseanne Conner: How did you manage that?
- Jackie Harris: A quart of scotch.
- Roseanne Conner: [to Dan] Usually, if somebody drops dead in my kitchen *I* will take the blame, but this time was not anybody's fault.