Roseanne (TV Series)

Nine Is Enough (1994)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Photos 

Quotes 

• Becky Conner-Healy : Mom, Mark is really sick. When are we gonna get the upstairs bathroom fixed so he doesn't have to come down here?

  Roseanne : As soon as we finish the guitar-shaped swimming pool.

• Becky Conner-Healy : [to Roseanne]  I know it's real tough on everybody. We're really glad you're letting us stay.

  Roseanne : Well, Becky, you're young and you still need me. Your father, however, is 44 years old and it's high time he got out of this house.

• Dan : [to Roseanne about kicking Becky and Mark out of the house]  It's time that they moved out on their own. They'll never leave unless we push 'em. Now, you know I'm right.

  Roseanne : Well, I just hate to see 'em struggle.

  Dan : Fair enough. We won't visit 'em.

• Mark : Hey, I'm sorry about makin' you sick, Mrs. Conner.

  Roseanne : Oh, that's not your fault, Mark. Becky never should've married you.

• Roseanne : [to Dan when he tells her he has to shave underneath his arms]  Oh, honey, it's your very first Lady Shaver. Pretty soon, you'll start getting monthly visits from your friend.

• Becky Conner-Healy : Mom, I gotta start school tomorrow and I really need my rest. Is it all right if Mark stays on the couch tonight?

  Roseanne : No! I don't want anybody sick in there. That couch smells bad enough already.

• D.J. Conner : [to Roseanne and his friend, Ralph arrive at the Conner house]  Where's dinner? We're hungry.

  Roseanne : Ours is on our plates, but you told me you were eating over at, uh that kid's house.

  D.J. Conner : No, Mom, I told you yesterday. Ralph is staying over here.

  Roseanne : Well, I'm sorry, Ralph, but you can't stay here. You'll have to tell your parents that Mr. Conner's on a bender.

  D.J. Conner : He can't do that! His parents are out of town! And you promised I could have friends sleep over.

  Roseanne : Well, I didn't mean it. I thought you were just bluffing when you said you had a friend.

• David Healy : Mrs. Conner, Ralph and D.J. can take the couch. I'll just move down in the basement with Darlene.

  Roseanne : Oh, yeah, and why don't you just bang on the ceiling if you have trouble unfastening her bra?

• Roseanne : [to Dan]  I can't do it with two people in the next room.

  Dan : Since when does a crowd bother you? We did it at the Grateful Dead concert.

  Roseanne : That was nearly two years ago, Dan. I think we've grown up a little since then.

• Dan : I want Mark and Becky to move out.

  Roseanne : Well, I want 'em to bring back that show "Card Sharks", but it ain't gonna happen.

• Jackie Harris : [When Jackie and Andy show up at the Conner house]  Fred and I had a huge fight this morning, so I brought the baby over here to teach Fred a lesson.

  Roseanne : Jackie, don't you know anything? If you want to make the man suffer, you stay, you don't leave.

• Dan : [When D.J. is playing video games while Roseanne and Dan try to talk to each other]  D.J., your mother and I need to talk in private.

  D.J. Conner : I can't leave. I'm about to beat my record.

  Dan : Leave or you're grounded!

  D.J. Conner : I don't care!

  Roseanne : We ground him twice a week, Dan. That's how he got so good.

• Dan : Where the hell can we talk in private?

  Roseanne : Well, Dan, there's always the cone of silence.

• Roseanne : [to Dan about why they can't kick Becky and Dan out of the house]  Now they can't move out because Becky's gonna have a baby and she needs her mother.

  Dan : She's not even pregnant yet.

  Roseanne : Yeah, but she will be. Mark doesn't have anything else to do. He's already bored with his Hot Wheels.

• Roseanne : Jackie, kids get germs. That's what they do. They fall off their bike and they get all bruised and they cut their tongue licking a cactus. Maybe that's just D.J.

• Roseanne : You know, Jackie, your kids grow up and they just fly the nest, and then all you got left is your husband. You have to learn to let go.

  Jackie Harris : Well, my baby is six months old. What's your excuse?

  Roseanne : What?

  Jackie Harris : Look around. Kids are all still living here at the house with their husbands and their boyfriends and me. Wonder what Dan thinks about that, but, gee! I don't see him anywhere!

  [leaves the living room carrying Andy] 

  Roseanne : Well, it's a wonder you can see anything over your kid's big misshapen head!