Roseanne (TV Series)

Second Time Around (1991)

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner

Quotes 

• Crystal Anderson-Conner : [talking about determining the sex Crystal's unborn baby]  This is stupid.

  Roseanne : Yeah, your right, let's do it the scientific way. Let me look at your butt.

  Jackie : What are you talking about?

  Roseanne : It's a scientific fact, Jackie, if it's a flat pancake butt it's a girl, and if it's a big ol' bubble butt it's a boy.

• Jackie : [to Darlene]  We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.

  Darlene : Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.

  Roseanne : [to Crystal]  You still want her to babysit?

• Becky : [to Crystal]  Well, whatever you do don't give it some dorky name like "Becky".

  Roseanne : What's wrong with your dorky name?

  Becky : It's like a chicken noise. It's like

  [clucking] 

  Becky : "Beckeee, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beckeee".

• Jackie : You know, when I have a baby, I want to deliver it in a pool of warm water. I think that's the gentlest way to bring a baby it the world.

  Roseanne : Yeah, and I imagine it keeps the swimmers out of the shallow end.

• Roseanne : What are you eating?

  Dan : Salami and peppers.

  Roseanne : What, one brush with death a day isn't enough for you?

  Dan : I live on the edge. Want a bite?

  [Roseanne shakes her head no] 

  Dan : Wuss

• Dan : Honey, I think we should talk about this. I mean, what would happen if we both went at the same time, like in a plane crash.

  Roseanne : [chuckles]  We never go anywhere, Dan. A plane would actually have to crash into the sofa.

• Birth Class Instructor : [Lamaze class]  I'm sure a lot of you have been thinking of questions since the last class. Anybody?

  Woman : Uh, yeah, this is my first baby, and I was wondering how long it takes to push it out.

  Roseanne : [chuckles]  Eighteen years.

• Roseanne : [flashback to the moment of D.J.'s birth]  What is it? What is it?

  Dan : Five, five, five, five, *one*! Yes! It's a boy!