- Crystal Anderson-Conner: [talking about determining the sex Crystal's unborn baby] This is stupid.
- Roseanne: Yeah, your right, let's do it the scientific way. Let me look at your butt.
- Jackie: What are you talking about?
- Roseanne: It's a scientific fact, Jackie, if it's a flat pancake butt it's a girl, and if it's a big ol' bubble butt it's a boy.
- Jackie: Okay Crystal, what are we going to name this baby?
- Crystal Anderson-Conner: Well, we have a tradition in our family. My grandmother was Ruby, and my mother was Amber, and I'm Crystal. So, I was thinking that, this must stop.
- Dan: [after a near miss with a wrecking ball on Dan's jobsite] I'm more embarrassed than anything else. I crawl out of that thing with my pants down around my ankles, I looked up, there's thirty people standing around staring at me.
- Arnie Thomas: Man, and it was really an awkward moment. No one knew what to do. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause.
- Birth Class Instructor: [Lamaze class] I'm sure a lot of you have been thinking of questions since the last class. Anybody?
- Woman: Uh, yeah, this is my first baby, and I was wondering how long it takes to push it out.
- Roseanne: [chuckles] Eighteen years.
- Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
- Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain *others* in this household, considering what happened to *me* yesterday.
- Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take *one shot*. Now *that* is love.