"Roseanne" The Parenting Trap (TV Episode 1994) - Roseanne Barr as Roseanne Conner

[last lines]

Roseanne Conner : [a behind the scene look; on the kitchen set, about the episode's subject matter] Oh come on, Neil, give us a break. It's just a normal, everyday, biological function. We have to call it something.

ABC Censor : [title card, Neil Conrad, Network Censor] I'm sorry, Roseanne. None of these expressions are acceptable on network television.

Roseanne Conner : [reading from a list] Okay. Well what about, "pitching a trouser tent"?

ABC Censor : No!

Roseanne Conner : "Bootin' up the hard drive"?

ABC Censor : No!

Roseanne Conner : "Charming the anaconda"?

ABC Censor : "What" the anaconda?

Roseanne Conner : "Charming".

ABC Censor : No!

Roseanne Conner : Ah, "raising the drawbridge"?

ABC Censor : No!

Roseanne Conner : "Popping a wheelie"?

ABC Censor : No!

Roseanne Conner : "Standing up for democracy"?

ABC Censor : No!

Roseanne Conner : "Waving to your chin"?

ABC Censor : No. There's *absolutely*, *positively*, no *way* any of these are going to get on the air!

Roseanne Conner : Too late.

ABC Censor : [Roseanne grins mischievously, he turns to the camera operator behind him] Was that on?

[camera bobs up and down]

ABC Censor : Ah sh*beep*!
Jackie Harris : [after meeting David's new girlfriend] You're the one who pushed David to start dating again in the first place. You can't go slamming his first attempt.

Roseanne Conner : I'm not gonna slam her. I'm just gonna let Darlene sniff at her for a while, then I'll let go of the leash.

Roseanne Barr: Roseanne Conner