- [last lines]
- Roseanne Conner: [a behind the scene look; on the kitchen set, about the episode's subject matter] Oh come on, Neil, give us a break. It's just a normal, everyday, biological function. We have to call it something.
- ABC Censor: [title card, Neil Conrad, Network Censor] I'm sorry, Roseanne. None of these expressions are acceptable on network television.
- Roseanne Conner: [reading from a list] Okay. Well what about, "pitching a trouser tent"?
- ABC Censor: No!
- Roseanne Conner: "Bootin' up the hard drive"?
- ABC Censor: No!
- Roseanne Conner: "Charming the anaconda"?
- ABC Censor: "What" the anaconda?
- Roseanne Conner: "Charming".
- ABC Censor: No!
- Roseanne Conner: Ah, "raising the drawbridge"?
- ABC Censor: No!
- Roseanne Conner: "Popping a wheelie"?
- ABC Censor: No!
- Roseanne Conner: "Standing up for democracy"?
- ABC Censor: No!
- Roseanne Conner: "Waving to your chin"?
- ABC Censor: No. There's *absolutely*, *positively*, no *way* any of these are going to get on the air!
- Roseanne Conner: Too late.
- ABC Censor: [Roseanne grins mischievously, he turns to the camera operator behind him] Was that on?
- [camera bobs up and down]
- ABC Censor: Ah sh*beep*!
- Dan Conner: [about D.J] Ah, you mean he's at that age where on a sunny day, he can be laying on his back and tell time without wearing a watch.
- Mark Healy: [frustrated] Naw, it has nothing to do with telling the time! I mean, the kid's getting erections!
- Fred: [about ways he concealed an involuntary erection during puberty] I always found that nobody was any-the-wiser, if I just kept my shirt untucked.
- Dan Conner: [thoughtfully] I occasionally employed that device myself. Usually, however, I took the more scholarly approach: put a book in front of it.
- Fred: Yeah, a book was good. If you didn't have a book, you just had to stick your hands in your pockets.
- Mark Healy: [chuckles] Well, that's usually how mine started.
- Becky Conner-Healy: [cheerfully bops downstairs and joins David and Darlene] Hey! What are you guys doin'?
- Darlene Conner: Just a few seconds ago, he blew this whistle that only dumb blonds can hear.
- Fred: [about puberty erections] You know, back at that age, it didn't even have much to do with girls. Damn thing would just pop up and say "howdy-do" for any reason.
- Dan Conner: You know what usually set me off, was the vibrations on the school bus. All through junior-high, I dreamed of being a bus driver.
- Dan: [to the tune of "Dashing Through the Snow"] # Walking through the house/ Looking for a beer/ Open up the icebox door/ Oh my! There's one right here. #
- Dan: [D.J. is screaming and running up the stairs] Whoa! What's goin' on!
- D.J.: [screams] Mom told me a story I don't want to hear anymore!
- Dan: Well that's no reason for you to go running out of the room screaming like a maniac!
- D.J.: [still screaming] It was about her having her period!
- Dan: [pause] As you were.
- Jackie Harris: [after meeting David's new girlfriend] You're the one who pushed David to start dating again in the first place. You can't go slamming his first attempt.
- Roseanne Conner: I'm not gonna slam her. I'm just gonna let Darlene sniff at her for a while, then I'll let go of the leash.