- Roseanne: [their father has just died] That's it! I'm not making any more calls, you do the rest of the family list.
- Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
- Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
- Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
- Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
- Jackie: [dials the phone] I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore...
- [slowly getting louder]
- Jackie: I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... NO, *DEAD!*... *DAD!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!
- Jackie: [hangs up] I am *not* doing that again, you can't *make* me!
- Jackie: [to the funeral home director] Before we go on, I just want you to know that I'm feeling very irrational right now. I'm likely to buy anything that you show me, and I'm also very likely to take out a gun and blow your head off if I think you're taking advantage of me... so I would play me very carefully.
- Roseanne: [on the phone with airline rep] Uh, yeah, I'm here. It's "Harris". "Al Harris", he's my dad. Look, I just got through telling this whole thing to somebody else. Well, all I wanna know is if his flight's coming in on time. No, not coach; try baggage.
- Jackie: Ask 'em about his frequent flyer miles. He was a salesman. It would've been very important to him.
- Roseanne: Jackie, can't you go and get drunk or something?
- [on the phone again]
- Roseanne: Yeah, I'm here. Listen, this is gonna sound kind of weird and everything, but is he going to be coming down that conveyor belt with everybody's baggage?
- [pause]
- Roseanne: No, no, the mortuary picks him up. Oh, that's good 'cause I didn't think we could fit him in our truck.
- [pause]
- Roseanne: Well, I'm sorry you don't think that's funny! Hey, I'm saving my best jokes for the funeral!
- Roseanne: [Roseanne stands alone, next to her father's coffin] Uh, Dad, I'm real sorry that you died before I got to tell you some stuff.
- [She takes out a letter and reads from it]
- Roseanne: OK. I'm angry at you for lying to me my whole life. I'm angry that I didn't ever know who you really were. I'm mad that when I was a kid, you ignored me and when you did give me any attention, it was usually violent. I'm mad that you left us alone with a crazy mother. I'm mad that because of you, I grew up distrustful of men and that I couldn't even trust my own husband for the first five years we were married. I'm mad at you because you did all the same stuff to Jackie, and because you made us feel like we were never good enough. But now, I just need it to end. So, Dad, I'm forgiving you, just because I need to move on with my life. And, I forgive myself for being so damned angry.
- [She hesitates, then places the letter in the coffin, and walks to the door]
- Roseanne: Thank you for your humor. I love you. Goodbye.
- [She leaves]
- Bev Harris: I think we should all have some tea... and then pour large amounts of Brandy into it.
- Roseanne: Darlene, would you put on some water, and then... bring the Brandy down from your room.
- Darlene: Very funny. Don't you think if I had Brandy in my room, I'd spend more time at home?
- Bev Harris: [about her dead ex-husband's long-time mistress attending the funeral] Perhaps she and I can draw straws over who gets to throw themselves on the coffin.
- Dan: [the funeral home director is trying to get Jackie to buy the $3,000 "White Rose" casket] So what you're saying is that, if she really loved him, she'd get the "White Rose", and if she doesn't... she'd get something with a twist tie, and the word "Hefty" on the side.
- Bev Harris: I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely miserable outcast and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee.