- Announcer: And now, from the transplant ward of the Burbank lonely hearts club, NBC lovingly presents: Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In. Or is it laughingly presents Rowan & Martin's Love-In?
- Alan Sues: Goldie, did you know that Christopher Columbus died in jail?
- Goldie Hawn: No, I haven't read a newspaper all week.
- Dan Rowan: Well Dick, it's time for our Discovery of the Week, and we got a real fund -
- [corrects himself]
- Dan Rowan: find. We got a find.
- Dick Martin: Good. Another baggie, huh?
- Dan Rowan: No, that's 'biggie', you ding-a-ling.
- Dick Martin: Biggie U. Ding-a-Ling. huh? I like that. What does the U stand for?
- Dan Rowan: You know what Thursday is?
- Dick Martin: Yeah, thirsty's when you need a drink.
- Dan Rowan: I didn't say thirsty, Thursday. Thursday.
- Dick Martin: Oh-ho, the questions are easy this week.
- Dan Rowan: Yeah-heh. Ok. What's Thursday?
- Dick Martin: The middle of the week.
- Dan Rowan: You know, more Americans have been killed on the highways than all the wars combined. Maybe we should bring our soldiers home from, eh, Vietnam and send our drivers over there.
- Dan Rowan: Well that's the Laugh-In news for tonight, folks and we certainly hope it tickled your fancy.
- Dick Martin: And if not, be sure to stay tuned next week when we'll have twice as much news for those of you with extra large fancies.
- Bunny Goldie: Bunny Chelsea, would you help me with this bill, I'm terrible at arithmetic.
- Bunny Chelsea: Oh Goldie, what kind of bunny are you if you can't even multiply?
- Robert Wagner: If Forrest Tucker formed a company with Lorne Greene, they'd call it 'Forrest Lorne'.
- Greer Garson: If Edith Head married John Payne, and they had quintuplets... well, there'd be an awful lot of little Head-Paynes around that household.
- Davy Jones: If Shirley Jones married Davy Jones but still dated Dean Jones, Jack Jones and Parnelli Jones, she'd be a busy bird.
- Dave Madden: I got my wife a new beauty soap that makes rough, wrinkled skin disappear. Now I can't find her anywhere.
- Goldie Hawn: I just saw a giant sausage fifty feet long!
- Alan Seus: Boy, that sounds like a lot of baloney to me.
- Nipsey Russell: A message to my people. Things are getting better. Isn't it too bad this show isn't?
- The Parson: That the church is against cruelty to animals has nothing to do with those of us trying to kill the latest papal bull.
- Gladys Ormphby: When I was a little girl, my mother and father entered me in a beautiful baby contest. That was the last I ever saw of them.
- Judy Carne: My crowd can't decide what to take this semester, but we've narrowed it down to either the administration building and the library.
- Robert Wagner: This show makes a lot of people happy on Monday night, at nine o'clock when it's over.
- Dan Rowan: Goldie...
- Goldie Hawn: What?
- Dan Rowan: You're facts may be impeachable, but your annunciation is impeccable.
- Goldie Hawn: [gasps] Naughty boy! You've been peeping again.