- Tiny Tim: If it weren't for this show, I wouldn't be where I am. But I don't hold that against them.
- Goldie Hawn: I understand the government's gonna speed up welfare payments.
- Chelsea Brown: Yeah, they're gonna call it 'Fast, Fast, Fast Relief!'
- Goldie Hawn: I had a terrible time last night. I took a sleeping pill and I dozed off before I could enjoy it.
- Goldie Hawn: Miss Lollobrigida, could you help me with my Italian?
- Gina Lollobrigida: Oh, I'll be glad, Goldie. Eh, what's his name?
- Chelsea Brown: Oh, Mister Tiny!
- [giggles]
- Chelsea Brown: Hi, did you see Yellow Submarine?
- Tiny Tim: No, I can't stand Japanese war movies.
- Alan Sues: I don't know why the government's hitting me with all these taxes. Dad always said I was a complete write off.
- Dave Madden: My uncle wrecked his car in front of the Museum of Modern Art. Nuh, so he signed it. He won first prize in the sculpture festival.
- Goldie Hawn: Tiny, which one of us is the opposite sex?
- Tiny Tim: How am I supposed to know, Miss Goldie? I've never been out with one.
- Muriel Landers: Time for a station break, Goldie. Eh, wanna have a quick drink?
- Goldie Hawn: Oh, if I have to drink one more station, I'm gonna be up all night!
- Dan Rowan: Y-you know, I've been considering some of the moral aspects of all this transplant business, and I've come to a simple conclusion: when you're dead, you're dead. That's life.