- Judy Carne: I guess everyone has his favorite poem, but the one that really turns me on is 'Leaves of Grass'.
- Bank Teller Goldie: [handing a sack of money to a bank robber] Now when you make your getaway, don't go through the park, because it's full of muggers.
- Dan Rowan: Well, I see by the lil' old finger in the air that it's time once again for the flying Fickled Finger of Fate Award.
- Dick Martin: Well, who gets the upright appendage this tonight?
- Husband Answering Door: [bell has rung, a dark figure is found outside the door] Yes? Who is it?
- Tony Curtis: [as The Boston Strangler] The Boston Strangler!
- Husband Answering Door: Oh, wait.
- [turns around]
- Husband Answering Door: Honey! It's for you!
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in the hereafter?
- Gladys Ormphby: Of course I do!
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: [Chuckles] Then, you know what I'm here after!
- Chelsea Brown: [James Garner has already kissed all the other female cast members] Mr Garner, I admire you very much, but, ehm, unfortunately, all they'll let me do is shake your hand.
- James Garner: Sure, Chelsea... your place or mine?
- Robert Wagner: After working on television for so long, it's really refreshing getting back into radio like this.
- Dave Madden: When I was twelve, my uncle sent me abroad.
- Alan Sues: Gee, all my uncle ever sent me was a bicycle.
- Dick Martin: The weekly meeting of the Pasadena Planned Parenthood Society was canceled today when someone ran off with the plans.