- Dan Rowan: Hey Tony, did you see, eh, Chekov's Sea Gull?
- Tony Curtis: No, no. Why should I pay good money to see a movie about somebody else's bird?
- Alan Sues: If Julie London married Lloyd Bridges and she tripped coming out of the church, she'd be Julie London Bridges falling down.
- Dick Martin: Did you know Humpty Dumpty had a great fall?
- Dan Rowan: Yeah, but he had a lousy summer.
- Dan Rowan: Our own, our very, very own, Burbank's anwer to the Vienna Boys Choir: our own, our very, very own, Dick Martin and the Aristocrats. What else would you call 'em?
- Jo Anne Worley: And now, sports fans, here's our Laugh-In sports report with one of the great sports of all time: the only man who ever missed the high hurdle jump and won the yodeling contest at the same time.
- [laughs up a riot]
- Jo Anne Worley: Think about it!
- Dan Rowan: Goldie, what has four legs and flies?
- Goldie Hawn: A dead horse.
- Dan Rowan: No, two pairs of pants.
- Goldie Hawn: Of course!
- Judy Carne: Tony?
- Tony Curtis: Yes.
- Judy Carne: You've been abroad. Where's the American section in Paris?
- Tony Curtis: Well, the first ten rows of the Folies Bergere. And I've only been a broad in Some Like it Hot.
- Judy Carne: Oh, you devil.
- Alan Sues: Hey, they've done a white version and a black version of 'Hello, Dolly!' Next, they're gonna do a nude version and call it 'Hel-lo, Dolly!'
- Tony Curtis: Alan, go to your room!
- Tony Curtis: If you think The Boston Strangler was great, here's something that's gonna really choke you up,
- [laughs]
- Tony Curtis: a station break.
- Dan Rowan: I think big business has done more than it's share for the poor people. Who do they think built those slums?
- Bunny Goldie: By the time I found out he didn't mean "dancing" when he said, "the bunny hug", it was too late.
- Announcer: This program was prerecorded earlier, since we found it very difficult to prerecord it later.
- Tony Curtis: I just finished a long run on Broadway.
- Dan Rowan: Oh, really? What play?
- Tony Curtis: No play, a mugger chased me for thirty blocks.