- Abbe Lane: George Wallace is running really hard this year, but then, anyone who makes speeches like that should run.
- Announcer: This program was prerecorded because the cast is not allowed to drink while working and none of them could bear watching it sober.
- Judy Carne: My poor brother started to drink when he was only fourteen. By the time he was twenty-one, he'd gone completely to pot.
- Jo Anne Worley: I went out last night and got a little drunk. It was such fun, I think I'll go out tonight and get a big one!
- Bob Hope: Too bad about Dean Martin. He had to check into the hospital today to find out why his headache cleared up.
- Henry Gibson: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my sad duty to inform you that, tonight, for the first time on "Laugh-In," there will be no trapdoor jokes. That's because, unfortunately, all our Laugh-In trapdoors have been hijacked by a Cuban named Jerry Lewis.
- Goldie Hawn: Funny, he doesn't look Cubeish.
- [falls through a trap door, and momentarily crawls out of it]
- Goldie Hawn: Those Cubes will stop at nothing.
- Rover Kerr: Today, I attended a performance of one of the world's top rated rivers, the Mississippi. My first impression was that the detractors who say that the river "Don't do nothing, don't say nothing, but just keeps rolling along" are making an unfair criticism. I say: what can you expect from a river?
- Dick Martin: Hey, you know I just realized something...
- Dan Rowan: Yeah?
- Dick Martin: Tippy Toe Tom looks like a very, very good friend of ours.
- Dan Rowan: Nick Castle.
- Dick Martin: Just about the best there ever was.
- Dan Rowan: Sure nice to see him again.
- Dick Martin: Sure was a wonderful guy.
- Dan Rowan: He sure was.