- Alan Sues: Say, a publisher asked me to a do a book on free verse and I said, "Nothing doing! If I don't get paid, I don't write a line!"
- Byron Gilliam: Goldie, do you know why the cross eyed teacher was fired?
- Goldie Hawn: Well, I guess she couldn't control her pupils.
- The Parson: I believe the church should update it's terms, but I do find it hard to call the collection plate, "the bread basket".
- Zsa Zsa Gabor: I was invited to a party at a nudist colony, but I turned it down. After all, who wants to go to a party where all the women come wearing the same thing?
- Ram Rod: But you can't go, Rock, your heart is bad, your nerves are shot and the doc said you have one more fatal crash, and it'll be serious.
- Arte Johnson: Do you realize that New Hampshire isn't new, and Road Island isn't an island, and therefore Virginia can't possibly be...
- Dan Rowan: [interrupting] Hold it, hold it!
- Evil Juan Gonzales: I am Evil Juan Gonzales, I am unscrupulous, unprinciple and unsanitary, but lots of fun at parties.