- Dan Rowan: Jeremy, in England, do you have a blood bank?
- Jeremy Lloyd: No, Dan, but we do have a Liverpool.
- Teresa Graves: [after the chicken story in the news] Now where's a one-and-a-half ton chicken gonna make a nest?
- Stu Gilliam: Anywhere she wants to.
- Stu Gilliam: Let's face it, baby, with a one-and-a-half ton chicken loose, Colonel Sanders is GOT to be scared to go out at night.
- Jo Anne Worley: Do you know what that one-and-a-half ton chicken said to me?
- Pamela Rodgers: What?
- Jo Anne Worley: CA-LUUUUUUUUUCK!
- Jeremy Lloyd: How do you make soup with a one-and-a-half ton chicken?
- Ruth Buzzi: Bring Lake Erie to a boil and add a pinch of salt.
- Arte Johnson: Then find a flu epidemic in a big Jewish neighborhood.
- Alan Sues: I'll tell ya one thing, when she clucks, that rooster better get up and at 'em.
- Jo Anne Worley: CA-LUUUUUUUUCK!
- Alan Sues: Isn't she rude?
- Roger Moore: A lot of European women tell me American men make excellent marriage partners. But I would never marry one.
- Goldie Hawn: [in Mod, Mod, World] For a week, the Indians did a snake dance. The next week, the Indians did a rain dance. The third week, it rained snakes.
- Alan Sues: If there's something the rest of mankind should adopt from the Indian, it's the peace pipe!
- Teresa Graves: Well, I'll say one thing about the pill. It sure takes a lot of worry about going to college.
- Roger Moore: I'm Roger Moore, if you follow the news at all, you know it's been a very bad year for Saints.