- Tony Curtis: Goldie, where have you been all my life?
- Goldie Hawn: Well, for the first half, I wasn't born yet.
- Goldie Hawn: Well, Jill "Street" John, it's really nice to have you with us.
- Jill St. John: Goldie, the "St." stands for "Saint," not "Street."
- Goldie Hawn: Oh, goodness, I think I owe an apology to my "Street" Bernard puppy.
- Jeremy Lloyd: Strip away the false tinsel and glitter of Hollywood and you'll find the REAL tinsel and glitter of Hollywood.
- Tony Curtis: The cost of going to college is at an all time high, but that's okay, so are a lot of the students.
- Tennessee Ernie Ford: Show me a door with a crescent on it, and I'll show you a house that's out standing in it's field.
- Henry Gibson: They didn't give out the Peace Prize this year, because everyone was too busy fighting.
- Jeremy Lloyd: If you cross Christine Jorgensen with Myra Breckinridge, you get a bisexual built for two.